I don't want to go back to school yet

It's already the 29th of December. In a few days, I'll be dragging my lazy butt back to the polluted streets of Manila to study my brain out. Worse, I'll be going on duty again, and THAT is even worse than having an exam everyday. 

The vacation's not yet over, and yet, I already miss it. In fact, I'm already feeling homesick even now that I'm still here. Thinking about leaving gives me that feeling that I don't really like. Thinking of the days and nights that I'll be staying awake because of requirements make me sick to the stomach. I'm not saying that I don't want to do those anymore. I just want more time to rest and to prepare myself. I haven't fully recovered from the blow of last semester. The effects of all those burnout-inducing days of hell have not completely evacuated my system. I'm still too tired from the things we did from last semester and now I'll be facing another hurdle which is even harder than the first. 

The reason I've been evading all type of school-related things is that I want to rest. I just want to break free from those that give me negative feelings. I didn't really want to have this emotion towards school, but I couldn't help it. I just want to go to school to learn. But really, how can I learn when I have this pervading feeling that 'I'm going to fail' stuck inside of my system. I want to learn without fear of anything. I want to enjoy it. This, I think is not possible. 

And this is probably one of those days where I'm regretting, with every inch of my being, why I didn't go yellow. 

My Dugout

Because I was inspired by Ms. Una Buendia's blog post about cleaning her room, I did some of my cleaning too. But since I'm not really artsy with the tangible stuff, and because I'm a lazy donkey during breaks, I didn't give my room much of a makeover like what I said in my previous post about my Christmas agenda. But, be my judge. I'll be posting pictures of my room both before and after the 'cleaning'. Just don't expect much, ok?Haha.

So this is what you see first when you open my blue door.

My bed.

Yeah,umm...stuff.

Some of my books.

Photos and other books.

Trees.

My niece's study desk (they placed it here because she studies in my room most of the time).

MY desk.

Clothes on top of a keyboard.

Le floor.

My favorite medal. HAHA. Found it along the mess. =))

My 'fixed' bed plus Louie. :D

HA! Big difference from before, huh?

Not much changed. Sorry.

I can use my desk now!

See the torrents?:))

I can also use the keyboard now that it's visible and usable. 

So there you go, you've seen my dugout before and after I 'cleaned' it. I admit, it's more comfortable to be inside it now that it doesn't look like a refugee home anymore. I'm planning on adding stuff to it like a wall where I can post stuff and some more stuff to hang on the walls. I guess that will be done on my summer vacation. See you! :)

All I Want for Christmas

Even though last night was pretty morose and depressing, I had a wonderful Christmas. I'm not going to expound on this anymore.

 Let's just say, I got everything I wanted.;)

Merry Christmas!

On Christmas Eve

I'm not going to pretend by saying, "Yes, I'm having a great time this Christmas eve." I'm not. This probably is the loneliest Christmas eve I've ever had in years. 

Right now I'm home alone. My Dad's somewhere out with his friends while the rest of the family is scattered all around the world. I miss all the festivities that occur during this time of the year. I most definitely miss my Mom's cooking which usually is the star of every family meal. I also miss the gift-giving and having wacky pictures with my family. But yes, things do change. I'm just going to have to live with it. In my opinion, it's a year of compensation. I'll just compensate by doing things that will take my mind off things and make me happy. And of course, I'm looking forward to getting the gifts sent by my Mom and my sister (which will be tomorrow). 

Merry Christmas to you, my dear reader. I wish you're having a better time than what I'm having now. 

Not for the close-minded

We attended a funeral today. It's been a while since I've been inside a church let alone, attend mass. It was strange. I couldn't bear to respond or to sing the hymns because I couldn't find it in myself to believe anymore. 

I've been thinking a lot about life. Not just the usual 'Why are we here?' or 'Where did we come from?', but also about religion and the like. I had a lot of theories and thoughts concocted. First is my 'alien' theory. It all started when my brother and I had this deep conversation about outer space (we're both space enthusiasts, you see). He questioned a lot of existing theories and so I listened as he made his point. I couldn't help but agree. He was right, most of the time. What struck me was his opinion regarding intelligent life aside from our own. It's true that the human race is very young relative to the earth and, most definitely, to the universe itself. It's highly probable that during those times when we haven't even evolved yet, other intelligent lifeforms have already started. And by the time man began, they may have reached their ultimate form of intelligence. What the implications are, you may ask. What if they've been observing us already? Given their state of advancement, they already probably have devised a spacecraft that can travel a hundred times faster than the speed of light. Or maybe they've already infiltrated our civilization? This is where my second 'theory' comes in. 

I call my second theory the 'root' theory. Given the assumption that they've already been observing us and that they have somehow 'infiltrated' our civilization, what if we're just subjects? What if we've been placed here by these alien lifeforms just to be studied or, worse, played with as most gamers play Sims 3? We still actually don't know our own origins. If we're basing it in the evolution theory, where exactly is the missing link? And how come we're so diverse given all the different races who look different from each other? Should we really blame it on genetic mutations? What gave rise to slanted eyes or to almond ones? What if they've been intervening with us since time immemorial? Hieroglyphics in Egypt depict ancient 'vehicles' that resemble helicopters. We all know that during that time, there were no helicopters yet. What if those were aliens working? What if they've helped build up our civilization through time? Look at all the ancient structures. Could it have been possible that man thought of them and created them on their own? Maybe yes, maybe no. 

And this is where the third, and most controversial of my theories enter. What if Jesus was from an alien kind?  What if his abilities were all 'alien' powers? This may sound foolish, but what if it's true? He used to 'ascend' to heaven a lot. More like an alien ascending to the mother ship. There's also something about his return along with a kingdom in heaven. What if it's the alien kingdom he's referring to and that while they're gone, they've gone off to other planets to do the same. So that one day, people will be harvested, while some who aren't good enough according to their standards will be left below? Don't shun me or anything. I still believe in God. These are just 'what ifs' that crossed my twisted imagination. And I don't know much about the bible in able to be credible.

So these are the initial theories I've come up with, but there are still some brewing in my imagination. I don't want to lengthen this post anymore. I'll save the other thoughts for another post, for I, myself, don't like reading long blog posts because of my short attention span. Just so, I'm going to end this post with my queries.

If creation, according to the bible, was true, where do the other planets come in? When were they created? Did each planet have their own story of 'creation' too?

If Jesus came to save us, what about the others? Did he go to their planets too? (yes, I believe there is life elsewhere)

Where exactly is heaven?

Where exactly is hell?

Can God watch over the whole universe? Does He?

Am I going insane?

I have more questions to ask,but I'm really distracted right now that I can't collect my thoughts anymore. 

Just so you know, I refused to receive communion.

*I didn't reread this post. Grammar nazi, forgive me.

To Do

I have a lot of things on my mind for this break, and I really want to make these things happen. Of course, I'm going to start by NOT playing Sims 3 anymore because it ruins everything! 

• Buy my boyfriend… a Christmas present (HAHA)
• Give my room a makeover while cleaning it in the process  (I just cleaned it, though -__-)
• Catch up on American Horror Story
• Catch up on Glee (This is optional judging how ugly the storyline has become.)
• Watch City Hunter (Hi, Gizelle!)
• Update my music
• Delete files from my laptop to free some memory
• Practice shooting with Magnus
• Watch all unwatched movies in my laptop

But yeah, this is not FINAL. I'm sure I'll be removing or adding stuff to this list as my vacation progresses. I only have one goal...TO MAKE THIS VACATION COUNT. 

Keep off my lawn

I know I'm probably one of those people who seem to hate everything. I hate this, and that, this, and that. But I know I'm not one of those people who go all emotional over stuff and even threaten to slash their own wrists (I'm so past that stage). It's just that I really have anger management issues which I'll be talking about in another time, because this time, I'm talking about my issues regarding territory.

Yes, I am very territorial. I don't want people invading my personal space without my permission nor do I want them to touch my belongings, again, without permission. I'm a selfish person, I admit. I believe that what's mine is mine, and what's yours is, well, yours. So just keep your dirty feet off my lawn. Ok? 

So what if people move my things or invade my personal space without my permission? Sometimes, I just hold everything in and give whoever the offender is some mercy by not reacting to the offense. Sometimes, I breathe fire and give that person the worst treatment I can ever give to a carbon-based organism. But this time, no, I'm not going to take this sitting down because it concerns one of the things (or people) I value the most--my boyfriend.

I often throw jokes about people. I often link them together, too. But I only do that when applicable. When exactly? When both of the people I'm trying to pair up are uncommitted, available, and SINGLE. Seriously, my boyfriend is MINE. I'm not jealous or anything. I've seen who you guys are trying to pair up with him (nothing to worry about, really). It's the consideration you are not giving to ME, as his girlfriend, that pisses me off. BIG TIME. The fact that you know he already has a girlfriend and that he has been committed to OUR RELATIONSHIP for FIVE FREAKIN' YEARS should be enough to send you throwing jokes in the other direction. 

I seriously want to give ALL of you a roundhouse kick to the moon. 

Magkita-kita na lang tayo sa Paskuhan, suckers. 

To One Who Hates Group Hugs

I tried to run after you, but then I remembered you wouldn't want me to, anyway. You were never one to be touchy and sappy.

I also didn't know what to say, for I myself have never been the one to give comforting words. So here I am, dedicating this post to you, my dear friend. 

I was in a state of shock when it happened. Sad, I really was. Tears just started falling. And I still couldn't, still can't actually, accept the fact that you'll no longer be with us in early morning duties and late nights in the community. I was really feeling uneasy when our group received the news that we had to say goodbye to one of our group members. If possible, I wanted to just go down on my knees and plead just to avoid having to go through such a difficult event. But, of course, we had to because we had no choice (as always). 

I'm definitely going to miss our little 'concerts'. I'm also going to miss your words of wisdom. Do you remember that time in Ward 1 when I was feeling down and you cheered me up with your words? I'm also definitely going to miss hearing your sometimes, if not always, 'foul' jokes. Haha. And of course, you were always the one who I easily got along with in the group because you're so much fun to be with. 

I know it's not really goodbye. We'll still be seeing each other whether in school or in the vicinity of our school. You were probably one of the reasons why our group always had a great time. You always had funny ideas and you even cooked for us (despite the hotdogs being edematous and all). We can always have other UBEs. I know things won't change. You're still one of us. Maybe not in the clinical areas, or so, but you'll always be part of the group. Always.

Thank you so much for the friendship. I know it wouldn't end here. We're still friends, right? You, me, plus the  eight other people who enjoyed basking in your sunlight. Here's to all the great times our group had. 

You will definitely be missed. 

Here's a virtual hug to you. >:D< 

Sorry. :))

Because at Night I Think a Lot

I'm  a night person, and now that I'm no longer spending my nights playing Sims 3, I'm here. 

I'm bothered. I thought my future was already planned. And yet, here I am confused as to what I'm doing here. You see, I no longer love what I'm doing. Scratch that. I never loved what I'm doing. Yes, I was not coerced, in any way, by my parents/siblings/cousins/etc to take up this degree program, but I still chose it. Mainly, because I knew how lucrative it will be in the future and that's my main goal in life--to be loaded with so much money that I even have spare money to burn. Don't even start with the usual "Hindi na in demand ang nursing ngayon" talk if you don't want me to peel off the skin of your mother and soak her in lemon juice. I have a lot of connections, and if it weren't for the fact that I've already started my college education here, I'd probably be in America by now.

Moving on, I'm just bothered, troubled, anxious, etc. I can't seem to motivate myself anymore. Thinking of school brings dark clouds in my head, and it's never a good feeling. It feels like whenever I go to Manila, I'm doomed and that something is bound to dampen my spirits or something. I keep telling this to my Mom when she was still here in the Philippines, and she would ask me whether I wanted to shift or transfer to another school because she would allow me to. But seeing how much time and effort I've already put in traversing this road I'm on, I refuse. No matter how much I regret not choosing my dream school, I still chose to remain. She was already asking if I wanted to transfer there. I was crying on the phone with my Mom saying I wanted out of this and that I couldn't stand another minute, no, another millisecond of this crap. But when given the chance to wipe this crap off the butt called 'life', I couldn't make the decision. 

Now I'm just confused. Part of me needs to stay because I really have to. But part of me keeps telling me that I shouldn't be wasting my time. I've gone this far, and I should be grateful that I made it this far in one piece. I'm also thinking of what will possibly happen to me in the future. It's been laid out for me by my sister. I graduate, get a license, and travel abroad with help from my sister and my parents. I'll be staying there for good and finally achieve my dream of living in LA or in New York. 

People are asking me if I still want to pursue Medicine. For now, I don't plan to do so. My priorities have shifted. I don't want to spend any second of my life studying after college graduation. I don't dream of becoming a Doctor. I have only one dream--to be happy. For the past several years I've spent my time studying and being a slave to my education. I just want to break free and do the things I really love. I'm so sick of not being able to live my life how I really want it to. I'm so sick of being bound, obliged, and watched. I'm rebellious in spirit, but I haven't really acted it out. I stick to the color pink when all I really want to be is red. 

You see, I'm not courageous enough. 

Le Sem-ender

Because we had a MAJOR paper due last Tuesday, my group decided to stay at my place and wrap everything up. They intended to stay there for a night so that we can finish everything and submit the paper by afternoon of the next day. I thought it was just going to be one of those hellish cramming nights we all have had. But no, I was so wrong.


After finishing our paper on Tuesday afternoon, I had this brilliant idea of asking them if they wanted to stay for one more night there at my place. And they said yes.

Before eating Le Food by Kevin (Le Man)

Le Food

Group Disease (Water Edition)

Time and Activity Plan for Two Days

Before Scaring Our Guts Out with Coming Soon 

I have never been that genuinely happy in the company of friends for a long time. 

I miss them.

I miss the laughs, the music, Le Food, the laughs, the screams, the cries (Hi, Vane!), the swim, and everything else in between. I miss everything. I miss all that we did in those two days of being together. I miss you, Group D. Thank you so much for everything.

I love you all.

p.s. Remember when I told you guys that I had a better time with my previous group (Group E)? I take all that back. I'm in heaven when I'm with you, guys. ;)

Capture

We have this project in Humanities II where we are required to submit a work of art. By that, our professor meant any form of art such as a painting, a sculpture, or interpretative dancing to the tune of Lupang Hinirang (provided that you record it). Seeing that I have loads of talent *ehem* in the arts *more ehem*, I had to choose well. I have not drawn anything good lately, nor have I a piano nearby so I can play any of the pieces I know (with passion) and just record it in video. In the end, I chose to just submit photographs. To those who don't know, I'm now taking creative shots--whatever those are. I've been doing this since last year, but I haven't gone public about it. I have an account in deviantart that I'm keeping under a different name, and I don't upload my photographs in facebook or whatsoever. But if you've been quite loyal, maybe you've seen some of my works because I post them here from time to time (see previous post). Moving on, I went around shooting pictures just after I had passed my N105 papers (hell yeah!). I was planning to go to Paco Park since the place had so much potential. Unfortunately, IT RAINED! So I was stuck here. Thank God our amenities here look good and I managed to take fairly decent photographs. Now my dilemma is---I DON'T WANT TO SUBMIT THE PHOTOGRAPHS ANYMORE. I'm not backing out or anything. It's just that, I want to keep them to myself. I chose nine of my works and printed them on photo paper, and I had no idea they would look THAT good in print. 

Oh God, can I just have these for myself?

What you're seeing above are my nine favorite photographs. Maybe I'll post them one by one here and leave commentaries as to how they became part of my top nine. We'll see. Soon, after all the toxicity disintegrates.

Clair

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

So there I was feeling really bad for not having the chance to watch Pupil perform in ATC this coming Sunday because of, you guessed it, schoolwork. Being the ranter that I am, I ranted about it in Twitter. And then...AND THEN...

A RETWEET FROM ELY BUENDIA!!! OH GOD OH GOD. I CAN DIE HAPPY.~ 

Just the thought of having him notice me (in the form of a tweet plus a picture, plus my NAME!) takes away all the toxicity I am going through right now as I work on my papers in the wee hours of the morning. 

Tralalala~

RIP Steve Jobs

Even though I don't own any Apple product, Steve Jobs's passing still left me shocked. Especially now that I know some things about his life like how poor a college student he was (which was the same reason why he dropped out). But what I liked the most upon reading Yahoo's 9 Things You Didn't Know About Steve Jobs is the part regarding his romance with his wife. According to the article, Steve ditched a meeting just to go on their first date! Awwwwww. :)

"I was in the parking lot with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, 'If this is my last night on earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman?' I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she'd have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we've been together ever since."

-Steve Jobs

Post-printing Frustrations

I've only just finished printing some of the visual aids I'd be using tomorrow for yet again another beautiful day in the community. Nah, that didn't sound right. Part of that sentence was true, though. It's definitely not the second half.

I'm starting to come to terms with a lot of things. First is with school. Yes, this is the semester that made me regret all the decisions I've ever made regarding my education. Of course, most of you might have read my rants in twitter or in facebook which somehow got my mother telling me to keep quiet about my negative vibes toward my university. Nonetheless, here I am STILL expressing how much I regret not choosing the road more often traveled. Mainly, I chose to be where I am now because most people tell me that it's the best, or maybe because I just wanted some challenge. But now that I think of it, I chose it for the bragging rights (yeah, baby. triple quota!).

Second is with...well, just guess.

I've always feared the unknown. That's why I love making plans or preparing ahead of schedule. I'm a dreamer, too. I always think of what will happen to me someday. Who I'll be ending up with, or in what type of house I'll be living in, and even how many children I'd like to have. The problem is, I'm dreaming alone. I've only just realized it now that when it comes to thinking of the future, I'm always alone. It's either the other person involved evades the topic or because the person involved ignores what I say regarding the future. Sad, I know. And it's making me think, really. It's making me think whether that person really wants to be part of my future. I think it's also my mistake. I've always been too serious about him. I guess I should tone it down a bit. Maybe I should just stop being so pushy about it and just start withdrawing.

I guess, for now, I'll be making plans for myself...only.

Not Part of It

It hurts me when you don't listen to my dreams.

It pains me when you avoid talking about the future.

It only makes me feel like you don't want to be part of it. :(

Keeping the Faith

I've been going through rough times lately, most of which are related to academics and, of course, my longing for my family. School's been really tough, and it's becoming even harder for me since the people I need the most aren't here by my side. I miss the old times when I can always go home to my family after a rough day at school. Or that fateful night when I cried to my father because of some miserable news from school. Still, I know they're there, supporting me. My mom's always leaving messages through Facebook. We even chat through Skype! My Dad, since he's here for a vacation, still manages to talk to me through the phone whenever I call home. And yes, my siblings have always been extra supportive of me through different media as well.  

Still, there are those times wherein I feel like nobody's with me. Come on, let's face it, I'm living independently. I fend for myself here. I cook my own meals. I pay my own bills. I find a way to get my clothes washed on time, etc. Through such troubled times, I can't always depend on others to pull me up or to help me carry the burden. During those times of despair, when I felt like losing all hope, something grew inside of me--faith.

This may not sound right coming from a person who always laughs at (and even throws) sacrilegious jokes, but, yes, I believe that keeping the faith is enough to get you through. There are days when I feel like giving up. And at night, I am kept awake by my anxiety towards what the morning will bring, besides all the paperwork required. I used to fear the unknown. But now I've learned to just let all things be. 

I learned how to pray. I learned how to just let it all come together because I know that He won't let me down. He'll never let me down. I guess, in the end, we're not really the masters of our own fate. We may control our destinies, but all of it is still in God's hands. It's all been written by one hand, as they say. And yes, I'm faithful. I'll forever be faithful. 

Get Well Soon :)

You make me smile like the sun. :)

This one's for you, Ken. I hope you get well soon. 

I can't stand seeing you like that. 

I love you.

Why

Why can't you just let her be?

You never learn.

Futuristic

When I think of the future, I don’t think much of my future career or where I’d be. There’s only one thing I’m looking forward to—getting married. Yes, you read that right. I do want to get married early, and I do want to start my own family together with the love of my life. This may come as a surprise since most people view me as a person who just wants to succeed in life. Well, I do want to succeed. What is the meaning of success, anyway? Is it defined as having a stable job or having tons and tons of money? Whatever it is, it’s not what I really want to achieve. I just want to be happy. And to me, happiness means so much more than all the grandest jobs or all the money in the world. 

Almost There

This semester is nearing its end! And yet, I don't feel it.

Thinking of all the requirements I'd have to complete before I officially say hello to the break is really drying up every drop of optimism I have in this poor, duty-beaten up body of mine. Seriously, I'd kill just to have a remote control  that can speed up time. Right now we're on our last stretch of clinical duties. We're going to end it with a bang. It's our community rotation! Fun! *sarcasm*

I'm really just...worried. Out of the original 70 people from batch 2013, we are left with 48, and I can't help thinking 'What if I'm next?'. Oh crap, given all the mediocrity I've been sending out and all those stupid mistakes, I'm glad to have made it this far. But please, let me continue farther. I'm really not having the time of my life here. Believe me, thoughts of shifting, and even transferring to another school, have gone across my mind a million times already. But because of a million different reasons, I just can't act on it. And it wouldn't really help if I'd have to repeat this phase once more. So yeah, that's what motivates me to get past through all these. Oh Lord, let me graduate on time.

On a different note, I had my eyes checked this afternoon because I've been having recurrent headaches whenever I read stuff for long. So there, I found out that I no longer have 20-20 vision.  I now have 25-25 vision! And that I am nearsighted! Not so much, but I am an inch closer to finally having the right to wear glasses! Hooray!

p.s. I want to wear glasses so that I'd look smart.

You and Me

Through the years, it seems to me, I need you more and more. 

I love you, Ken. 

More than anything in this world. 

Five down, forever to go. 

For Now

While in the middle of typing my medical paper, I decided to blog. Yes, I'm always THAT distracted. It's like there's always something better to do that I have to do instead of studying. That's how things get done in my life. And then I will regret ever getting sidetracked once I end up just cramming everything the night before the deadline or whatever. Oh what the hell, only the good die young. Right? I'm not making any sense, am I?

I posted something about hating where I am right now in a certain social networking site. People were curious, really. They were telling me that I shouldn't really feel bad about it and blah, blah. Well I guess I really should be happy I'm here, and I guess there's not much I can do about it now. So for now, there's only one thing to do--do better. 

No way but up, my friend. No way. 

Oh God, please get me through the remaining years faster than a bullet.Wait, no. Faster than light itself. 

Trapped

It's just a waste of time, but I'm in it anyway. 

                                    -Waiting for the Bus

Toxicity is setting in. At this point, I'm not really as toxic as most of my batchmates. My time will come on October. Still, I can't help it. I can't love what I'm doing.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love to be a nurse. I'd really enjoy taking care of people and handling medicine plus other things. But what they're doing to us now is just not what I was expecting.

I just want to learn. I just want to be prepared for my future.

I don't want to kill myself with irrational requirements.

The pressure is killing me.

I have no way out. 

Thoughts

I think too much.

I think too much, and I’ve come to hate it. Not so much, though, because it becomes useful…at times. I over-analyze things and end up being confused even about the simplest things. Sometimes it helps like when I use my thoughts to solve the problem, but sometimes it destroys me especially when I think about the future too much. The future is the future. Nobody knows what it holds. I should not fear it. I should not think about it too much. It cripples me. Maybe I can give myself a chance to do so, but not so much.

Not so much. 

Cut

So finally, I decided to cut my hair short. First, I wanted to do this because it would be easier for me to tie short hair into a bun for our duty days instead of my usual thick and long hair. Second, I just want to feel...carefree. Thank God for all the positive feedback I got from people around me. I'm really enjoying my new hair. It may be messy MOST of the time, but it suits me well. I feel great with my hair. It's more like ME now. I don't need to maintain it so much, since I don't really care anymore. I'm happier, too. To hell with expensive hair treatments. I don't need straight hair to feel beautiful. Hahaha. There, I'm keeping it short and wavy. 

Prelude

So far, it’s been taxing.

What sets apart BS Nursing from other undergraduate courses is the degree of stress it puts on the students. What sets apart BS Nursing in UP Manila from those in other schools is that, well, everything is harder---and faster.

We’ve only just begun. Lord, please help me.  

My New Baby

The obligatory self-pic. Hehe. ;)

Day Two

To my surprise, I'm doing really well.

It's been two days since they left, and I'm back to my regular duties. I haven't cried so far. I guess I'm really recovering--fast. The thing is, I don't feel much of their absence when I'm here in Manila (as I said in my previous post) and it really helps to just think of them as being somewhere in Muntinlupa. My Dad even sent me a text message this morning. It doesn't feel too different compared to the old times when they were still in the same country as me. Yay for me, I'm progressing! I just hope it's true. I don't know what I'll feel when I go back home on Thursday. Maybe I'll just go back to square one. Then again, maybe just back to square three or four. 

Hey, look at this picture. 

Dad, Elaine (my niece), Mom carrying Rachel (my newest niece)

Cute, right? Knowing they're happy there and that they finally got the chance to meet the newest addition to our family made me feel so much better. And yes, Rachel (the baby) looks so much like me when I was young. It's like my Mom and Dad traveled to the past and found the younger me. Hahaha. 

I laughed so hard at school today because of a hundred different reasons, but mostly because of the epic cheers at N119. Thanks, batchmates. You made me feel better even if you didn't really intend to. :>

Day One

It's Monday, the start of a brand new week. Although I have a lot of things I should be looking forward to like the long weekend ahead and moving in to my new condominium unit, I don't feel so fine. 

It's been a day since my parents left for California. Thank God they had a safe trip. This afternoon, my sister uploaded a picture of my parents as they arrived at California. They were all smiles. I couldn't help but smile as well and forget about my own selfish reasons for being sad. 

I'm back in Manila again. Before, my Mom would accompany me in commuting. Today I had Gizelle instead. The ride somehow cheered me up as we talked about Lee Min Ho and other stuff (mostly about Lee Min Ho, still). I only had one complaint about the bus ride--the scent. Curse all those pine tree shaped air conditioners. 

Going back to Manila usually makes me sad, but today it's different. Yes, I still feel sad about leaving home, but I feel slightly better here than back home. Here I can just imagine that my parents are there at our house, and not in another continent, in another time zone. At home, I felt their absence. There were spaces and gaps. Looking at the places where I usually expected to find them was heartbreaking. The sadness was everywhere. I felt it when I looked at my sister's eyes. I heard it in the silence that was ever more present at our house. I saw it in my niece's actions. I felt it run down my cheek.

While studying, I had to listen to music to cancel all the other noises here in the room. I cried when Kiss the Rain started playing. Maybe I should think of removing it from the playlist temporarily. 

People keep telling me that there's always Skype, and that my parents will return soon. But those words can never replace the emptiness I'm feeling now. Everything reminds me of my parents. I miss how I would kiss them both in the cheek before I leave the house. I miss how I would do the same thing when I come back. I miss everything about them. Pictures and phone calls, or Skype-ing can never make up for those moments. Never.

I know they will return. In a few months, a few years, I really don't know. Nobody knows. Even my parents don't know when they'll return. But for now, I have nothing but a sad and almost empty heart. The road to recovery may be hard and long, but I'll take it. I take my first step today. 

By the way, I extend my congratulations to Pagbabago Party for winning majority of the positions (including the Presidential position) in the recent village elections. Yes, Lord, I take it as a pun. 

Time to Grow Up

I still remember the day my Mom dropped me off at a day care center inside their (my mom and dad) office compound. I was hesitant, but I eventually agreed to let go and have her leave me there for a while. It went well at first. I was having fun with all the toys and all the videos until nap time came. I was allowed, or rather forced, to take a nap. I did. Eventually, I woke up crying. Crying because I thought my parents left the compound without me. I thought they were gone. I thought they went home already leaving me there in the day care center. 

Of course, they didn't. I was wrong. It was just a silly feeling that I had because I was not used to being away from them. It wasn't real. It was just a nightmare. How I wish it remained just that, unreal, a figment of my imagination. 

Today, everything changes. I really need to grow up now. My parents left for the states this afternoon, and I am left here--without them. I still have one of my sisters here in the Philippines along with her husband and child, but it's never going to be the same. I miss my Mom. I miss my Dad. It was really painful watching them leave me there at the airport. I hugged them both--hard. Then there they were past the gates waving at us. I cried, and cried. Nights before this fateful day, I cried myself to sleep. 

I think tonight's not going to be any different.

12:30

It's past midnight, and I'm still here...typing. I have this weird sense that by sleeping, I'm wasting time. No, not really wasting time. It's just that I think that I'm better off doing something else instead of sleeping. Especially now that my summer break is nearing its end, I want to make sure that in every minute or every second of it, I did what I really wanted to. Sleeping takes so much time, and I was never one to actually sleep just for the heck of it. I sleep when I'm tired or when I'm really, really sleepy. But if I'm feeling fine and there's so much to entertain myself, I fight off the urge to sleep.  

That's what I just did. 

The Ram

Aries in any relationship is magnetic and intense, and others are drawn to these qualities.  The Aries individual prefers a strong partner and strong friends, but only those who are capable of giving the impression that Aries is in the lead.  Aries will be a loyal friend as long as the relationship keeps evolving and they feel that it is of benefit, but if they become bored or the relationship becomes stale, they will assuredly get out.  One who is in any relationship with an Aries should know when to push and when to back off and give the Aries some space.  Aries likes a challenge but pushing too hard will drive him off.  A sure-fire strategy with an Aries in any relationship capacity is to verbalize often that you find them smart and worthwhile, and that they are number one with you!  Remember, with Aries, the by-words are "me first!" 

Formspring's question for the day got me searching for the traits of an Aries. I came across this article describing an Aries in different settings like in a relationship, at work, etc. I was surprised because the article was pretty accurate. I tried reading up on other signs and they were pretty accurate as well (based on my experience with other people). 

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

That's how I am right now. 

I know you're having fun out there, and I bet you're having the time of your life. I just want you to know that I still want to be acknowledged. Little things count. I still remember what you promised me.  

I hate being neglected. 

Coincidence

My Mom and I were alone at our living room watching this primetime show with a very lame title. While lying there on the couch, I started crying. Yes, I just started crying. I was crying because on the 19th, my parents will leave the Philippines and go to the land of milk and honey. Sad. She started comforting me by saying that it'll all be well in the end, and that someday all of us will be there. Once they leave, I'll be left here in the Philippines with my older sister and her husband and child. My two siblings, with their respective families, have all migrated to the states already. I'm going to be really independent from then on. I don't know how I should react.

So there, after that emotional episode I had, we went upstairs. My Mom wanted to sleep in my bedroom because there was something going on with my Dad. There she was on my bed watching TV while I had my back on the TV and was surfing the net. Suddenly, she came across a TV show regarding migration. The guy on the show said, "Ok lang naman mag-migrate pero dapat buo pa rin ang pamilya." Bingo. 

He went on and on about how great the value of the family is to us Filipinos and that we should remain solid as much as we can. 

Oh yeah. Someone's playing tricks on me. 

I Wanna

There are things that I really want to do, but because you can't always get what you want, I end up dreaming--just dreaming--that someday, in another lifetime, I'll be able to do these things.

I want to cut my hair short. I just want to feel light and carefree. That's how I perceive people with short hair. I think they're really liberated and free. Since I'm not really carefree or free or liberated, I guess I want to look the part. But no, because of my face shape, I just can't. It's just going to make my cheeks look fuller. My hair isn't that great too. It's just going to go in all directions once I cut it short. Having it long adds more downward 'pull' to my hair. 

I want to shift to another course. Yes, that's right. I don't want this course anymore. It's really, really hard. It's physically, emotionally, and, of course, mentally demanding. In the two years that I've been studying, I feel like I aged 30 years more. Or maybe, I just don't want to stay in this institution. I really want to go yellow. 

I want to go on a road trip with my girlfriends. I've been dying to do this. Again, I just want the feeling of liberation. It'll be really great. Going on a road trip with my closest friends will definitely be fun. I bet everything I own that it will be a rocking road trip. Crap. I don't even know what to say anymore! 

I want to get married early. I know, I know. I'm better off wishing for a rainbow-colored whale shark than to actually wish for this one to come true. But I'm a hopeless romantic. I want to get married before I enter med school. But of course, no kids until I graduate. I think it would really be great to have somebody to go home to after a tiring school day. I want him there, beside me, while I study. I want him there, preparing cups of coffee while I pull an all-nighter for an exam. Sigh. Dreams. 

I'm a coward. I don't act on these dreams because I can't. I live by other people's rules, and it'll break so many people's hearts if I start acting on these (especially the last one). But maybe, someday, I'll finally get the courage to do these things. I think the road trip doesn't sound so impossible. I just don't want to be the designated driver, okay? That would mean I'd have to focus on the road all the time. That's not going to be fun. I hope everybody's car has insurance. 

June

I cry each night.

It was moved, but it will come--soon. 

Change is inevitable. 

6.19.11

I Hated Boys

One big difference between the Joyce now and the Joyce back in high school is the fact that I used to hate boys.

I wasn't a total man-hater, but I can say that I only liked a few of them. By few, I mean really few. I only had a few male friends back then. By the word 'friends' I mean those people who were in constant interaction with me and those whose company I usually kept. And of course, I had a boyfriend (Hi, Ken!). I just acted casually with the 'other' boys, and I never really had conversations with most of them. Why? Because they couldn't! We had nothing to talk about, and they made as much sense as a conch shell. At first I thought the fault was within myself, but as I logged in to Facebook, I was reminded that it wasn't totally my fault.

Now in college, I have a lot of guy friends. They arrived as easily as my new 'girl' friends, and they stayed as well. I'm glad to say that I enjoy their company--a lot. It's different to how things were in high school. I guess I just 'connect' better to my newly found male friends than to those in the past. We love having conversations about stuff we're interested in, and they don't stupidly post repeating comments. I'm glad I met these people. They've proven that there ARE nice guys on earth and that they can be your friends--good and intellectual friends, too.


Some things never change, though, like IQ levels and senselessness. I'm just glad I'm no longer in high school.

Meet Rosalie

Once again, Sims 3 got me hooked until one night one of my sims turned jet-black and it scared the hell out of me. In the past, I posted one of my sims' stories here in my blog. I wanted to post something about Marcus Frio, my legendary rockstar sim who had 16 children (most of them were illegitimate, of course). But I was so hooked that I didn't even have the willpower to get off the game and actually write something about him. Now I just want you to meet my prettiest sim ever, Rosalie. 

She's a 'legitimate' granddaughter of the legendary Marcus Frio. I'm proud of her because she turned out beautifully. I didn't create her, ok? It's a rare occurrence to have a gorgeous sim child from pre-existing sims not to mention that this one belongs to a generation of sims already. 

 She's quite popular.

And she's a doctor.

I'll post something about the Frio legacy sometime in the future.

p.s. I didn't give her that stupid name. She was an illegitimate child and her mother named her without my consent.

The Brain and Pork Brine

I've seen it. I read it. I even 'liked' it. I know you're not obliging me to give you any form of response, but I want to. After days of thinking of a clever response to what you said, I managed to end up with this. Just a simple blog post--straightforward and truthful like the person who wrote it. 

I thought I knew the melody that I heard you singing

And when you smiled you made me feel like I could sing along

First day. I was on my way to our car to meet my Dad who had been waiting for me when I passed by your school bus. You greeted me. I greeted you back. Your identity then was not as distinct to me as it is now. From a pool of new faces and people I had met that day, I didn't really have the mental capability to remember your name. But I remembered you, and what you did. That was probably our first interaction. The second one was when I sent pieces of rice flying toward your direction and having them stick to your pants. Long story.

Time passed by and suddenly I found myself beside you, and you beside me. Time passed by again, and *poof* you meant so much more to me than just a...native carabao. Now that I try to recall some of the 'good' days, I can say that I really had a great time with you as my friend. We never ran out of stuff to talk about, and we would laugh about things other people wouldn't even get. 'Just because we're smarter than you doesn't mean we're boastful' was our favorite catchphrase. I still remember the day when you brought a copy of your favorite song to school and asked me to be your back-up singer. 

I didn't want to tell you. I knew that if I did, everything would change. I was aware that you had your eyes (and your heart) set on other girls and I was not one of them. I wanted to just let it pass since the school year was almost ending. I could just forget you when school ends, and start anew when it begins again. I knew you. You were nice to people. You were nice to everybody. And when you were nice to me, I didn't want to think of it as something else because it would just be painful. As I said before, I knew that at the end of the day, I was just another friend, a seatmate. 

Until one day, somebody invaded my privacy and read my diary while I was busy campaigning for a position I eventually won.

I thought you knew. I really thought you knew. The devil who read my diary was quoting 'lines' from the same page wherein I said something about how I felt for you, and yes, I really thought you knew. He was blurting out those lines in front of us, and so I thought that you were just being nice by not reacting to it whatsoever. It was agonizing. I managed to just live through the final days of school believing you knew my secret and that you didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to ask you. I was a coward. I was weak. I couldn't handle rejection.

In one way, I felt rejected all the same. You continued talking to me about your main squeeze day by day. I just nodded to whatever you said, and I really tried to be a good friend to you. So it went on. I wanted to forget about the incident and just deal with seeing you every weekday as if nothing happened--as if you didn't know about my secret. 

Then, we went our separate ways. 

We never talked in person as often. There were instances when we were in the same room, but we didn't talk. I really wanted to patch things up. I wanted to rebuild the friendship. I guess it's just too late for that now. There were instances as well when we talked face-to-face. There was one time when I shamelessly sat beside you in the bus, and during another time in February. You were my what-if. Now, yes, it's been a almost a year since we last talked online. We remained friends in cyberspace until last year. I felt it. I knew you were avoiding me. I knew you weren't talking to me, and I let you. As always, I didn't want to force myself into your world. You walked out on me, and I didn't run after you. I guess, you didn't want me to. That was your way of telling me that I should not get involved with your business and you with mine. 

Now I know what's behind it. Now I know how you really felt, and what all of it was about. I loved reading it, but in the end I got somehow offended. No, wait. I shouldn't be offended that you somehow implied that I made things harder for you. I'm me. I'm not for the weak of heart. I rock people's worlds. (So egotistic, haha) But now that it's all out there, I guess this marks the end of it all. Wherever this may lead, I don't know. Thank you for everything. Good luck with life. May you find the happiness you deserve. Someday, our paths may cross again--and I will definitely kill you with a chainsaw.   

Maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan

Huwag kang mabahala, 'di kita malilimutan

p.s. I said 'yes', but you left me first.

I Don't Want To

I don't feel so good today. I feel lazy, tired, and overloaded. I have so many unfinished businesses and there's so much I have yet to decide on. Worse, my future doesn't look so good (my parents are leaving, class starts on the 14th). All these things make me feel burdened, heavy, and weak. I don't feel like doing anything today but relax. I have a lot of books here that I want to read which I might start doing later. I just want to lock myself up here in my room and rest with a book. I don't want to think. I don't want to follow orders. I don't want to be me for just one day. All I want is some mindless idleness or to just do things that I enjoy without all the pressure. 

I don't want to think of the future just now.
I don't want to worry about school.
I don't want to worry about my grades and my scholarship.
I don't want to leave my room.
I don't want to leave this bed.
I don't want to explain myself.
I don't want to answer other people's questions.
I don't want to deal with my problems.

Maybe, just for today, I don't want to be me.

Books

My Mom and I went to the mall this afternoon. She had to go to the bank and do some stuff there. Luckily, right in front of the bank was a large book clearance sale. (Yay!) So automatically she asked me if I wanted to stay there and rummage for books while she went inside the bank and did her thing. I was screaming inside since my original goal was to buy just one book (for financial reasons) from Powerbooks or whatever. And when I saw THAT, I was ecstatic. 

I carefully went through the neatly stacked books and scanned for nice titles like 'Kill Me, I'm a Dolphin' or whatsoever. There were lots of books to choose from, and they came at such low, low prices. There were books worth 20 pesos! They were those teenybopper novels though. So I went around the place looking for a potential good read. I I planned to get a handful of books and then choose from those in the end. However, it didn't turn out like that. I ended up buying every book I got interested in. (Oh well) 

I was shocked when I found a hardbound copy of Maximum Ride so I snatched it immediately from the stand. All of the books I bought, except for Maximum Ride, were all brand new. It was still in good condition, and it really was a bargain. It was worth 80 pesos only! After that, I walked around some more to find some more books. One of the salespersons was already bugging me and offering her assistance in carrying my books. I happily declined. I considered that as an insult to my machismo. But in the end, she wound up carrying my books because I had to kneel down and look at the books down below. I spotted some books by Stephen King but knowing how boring some of his books turned out to be, I skipped out on those. I've become more jumpy and anxious ever since I started reading his books so I try to stay away from them. Right now, I'm in the process of finishing Stephen King's It. Hell, it's as boring as your grandmother's boobs. Moving on, I ended up buying five books. (see picture)

My reason for buying Maximum Ride was because I found it really cheap. It's a good book, it's a hardbound copy, and it costs so less. Who wouldn't buy it? I bought In the Hand of Dante simply because I was intrigued by its plot. It's somehow related to Dante's Inferno, and just last year, I bought Dante's Inferno from another book sale. As you can see, Happiness Sold Separately is quite different from the books I usually read. That's exactly why I bought it. I'd like to explore that genre more. And yes, reading the first page got me hooked so I placed it in the growing stack of books I was hugging. Next, I bought The F*ck Up because I found the plot hilarious--very, very hilarious. It's about a guy whose life gets, you guessed it, so F-ed up. He even ended up having to pretend to be gay just to have a job--being a porn star for a gay porn film. (HAHAHA) And of course, I bought Coraline simply because IT IS CORALINE. 

There you go, the five books I bought today. Believe me, they cost me less than 500 pesos. No, not 499--420 to be exact. 

Shopping for books always beats shopping for overpriced clothes that all look the same anyway.

I need to go now. I need to finish reading Coraline. 

Seriously. 

Summer Goals

• watch all the movies I downloaded while cramming last semester
• practice playing the violin
• practice playing the piano
• practice playing the guitar
• bring body clock back to normalcy
• hang out with high school friends
• eat Bon Chon chicken
• finish reading borrowed books
• open a bank account in BPI
• save money for a new camera 
• revive blog

Summer (Part 1)

How has my summer been?

Unlike most of you who have probably been to a beach or two, I was busy studying. Yes, I had summer classes. I live in a world where summer doesn't equate to mindless fun nor does it equate being overly bored because of nothing to do. Mine was filled with speeches, poems, and lots of black paint. Now that it's over, I have a lot free time. *cheers* It was not an ideal summer. A summer spent beach-hopping or somewhere in Siberia, it definitely wasn't like that. I had fun, though. No, I'm not being sarcastic. To show you I'm really not being the sarcastic monster that I usually am, let me tell you how awesome my summer has been. 

Banahaw Trip

For our PI 100 which is a subject about Rizal, we went to Mt. Banahaw to learn more about those people who worship Dr. Jose Rizal. I was hesitant at first. I didn't really want to join because I'm not really into mountains and stuff. I also didn't want to pay 960 pesos for a hiking trip. I wanted to just go home and rest instead of joining the trip. But since I'm used to doing things I don't really want to, and because my friends told me it would be a great 'experience', I joined. 

We left Manila early in the morning aboard a bus with chandeliers inside. Weird, but true. There were chandeliers inside the bus! It felt really luxurious added to the fact that there were very few of us inside it. A lot of people from my class didn't join so there was this sea of empty seats between the back and the front of the bus. Moving on, the trip was quite long but we weren't bored. There were lots of food and the movie was good. Our professor brought a copy of A Walk to Remember to keep us entertained. When it was over, one of the two professors aboard the bus started to give a lecture about our destination and that was when slumber time commenced. I felt sorry for the professor talking in front. MY CLASSMATES WERE SLEEPING! There were only two or three of us who fought the urge to sleep. I really felt sorry for him so I really tried to 'pretend' being interested. It didn't last long. The professor noticed that the people in the back were all in dreamland already so he stopped and just sat down. He continued his lecture when we were 15 minutes away from the destination. People were awake then, and they had the enthusiasm of cadavers.

Shortly, the bus stopped and there we were at Mt. Banahaw. I'm not going to narrate everything from this point on. Let's just say that when we got off the bus, we first went to this religious group's headquarters. We stayed there for a while to hear about their religion then we left. We ate lunch somewhere. It was part of the 960 we paid for the trip. We were asked to behave, but I couldn't help demanding for a bigger piece of chicken.  

After eating, we had a few minutes to prepare for the highlight of the day---the hiking trip.

So there, we formed a straight line and went into the forest. The silence was deafening. It was like I had earplugs on. I couldn't even hear the rustling of the leaves. All I could hear were my breaths which became faster and faster as we went higher. For the first part of the hike we were on level ground and as it progressed, we found ourselves stepping on mossy rocks. We went higher and higher into the mountain. It was my first time to do that, and I was scared. One wrong step and I'd have fallen off the mountain. Luckily, I lived! I was very pale by the time we reached the resting station. I guess I really have to exercise some more to get used to physical activity. Moving on, we reached what looked like a shed. We sat down for a while as our group collected under it. The mountain guide oriented us about what would happen next. 

He told us about what people call the Husgado Cave. They said that it's a way to have yourself judged. If you're a sinner, you'll get out of the cave wounded or you won't get out of it at all. The guide didn't force us to enter the cave, but for the sake of experiencing it and to prove ourselves, all but one of us entered.

Before entering the cave, we were asked to stop by the nearby altar to pray for guidance. I was trembling either because I was scared or because I was tired already. After praying, we went to the mouth of the cave.

We were all asked to remove our shoes. It was hard. My feet were both in pain. I was stepping on all sorts of things like rocks, bugs, and other people's feet. I was fourth in line. And after the first two had gotten inside, I went in. 

The entrance to the cave was like a hole on the ground. There was a guide waiting for me there. It was pretty steep so whoever entered the cave had to step on the poor guide's shoulders and sit on him so we don't plunge to the unknown. I sat on the edge of the opening and eased myself downwards into the shoulders of the guide. While I was doing that, I accidentally toppled on the candles on the altar. (Oops) I could have angered the cave gods! HAHA. Moving on, I successfully sat on the guide's shoulders and then he put me down on the floor of the cave. The next obstacle was this small path. Well everything there was like that. It was either you'd get down on all fours and crawl or lie down and crawl like that. (Sorry for the vagueness) But believe me, the cave was very narrow in all aspects. It was dark inside, too. Through it, I just copied what the person in front of me did to get through the obstacles. That was the general rule. People should help each other. The person in front of me gave me instructions which I would pass on to the person behind me. Inside that cave, I found out that I can be a contortionist if I badly needed to be one. 

After going through a series of obstacles, I finally found the exit! Unfortunately, the person in front of me was gone already and she didn't tell me how to go through that final obstacle. So there, I worked it out by myself. I leaned my back on the cave and stepped on the adjacent rock to raise myself. 

Rejoice! I made it through! I had a small gash on my left knee, though. (I'M A SINNER!) The three people ahead of me were there and they applauded. They were like a welcoming committee. Haha. I sat down, drank water, and rested. We took pictures while waiting for the others. We posed at the exit of the cave to look like we just got out of it. 

Soon, people started appearing one by one. The crowd was getting larger and larger until we were all complete. Then we proceeded to the next part of the hike.

After a long walk, we reached the river! Feeling oh-so sticky with sweat, we all jumped in the cool waters. We were having so much fun there. We were like kids in a kiddie pool. I can't count how many times I slipped on the rocks. Good thing only a few people saw me. Mortifying, still. 

After some fun in the water, we went up 270 something huge steps to get to the path that would take us out of the mountain. It was even more tiring than the hike that took us to that place! When we reached the top, we rested for the nth time.

We made our way back to the bus and changed our clothes. It was hard changing all of your clothing while inside the bus. I know we were all girls then (we forced the boys to change clothes somewhere else) but I was still not comfortable about it. I had this towel to cover me as I changed out of my wet clothes and into dry ones. 

Later on, we were all done and we reunited with the male population who, I later found out, got dressed outdoors (in the grassy areas). HAHA. We visited another religious group. We were asked to sit down as the leader told us stories. I wasn't listening. I was viewing the pictures in my digital camera. Oh yeah, I'm so awesome. HAHA.

After that, we went back to the bus and rode home. The bus ride was crazy. Don't get me started. 

That was the closest thing I had to 'summer fun'. I may not have gone to the beach or to Baguio, but I joined that trip. It was really fun. I had a lot of 'firsts' and it was definitely a bonding experience with some of my batch mates. It also taught me to always have faith.  You see, I really wasn't being sarcastic or anything. Summer was fun especially when you add those Comm III moments that I'd probably be sharing with you  in another blog post. It wasn't the ideal summer that we all have in mind. Screw that 'ideal' summer. What I had is so much better. I'm not bitter or anything. I'm just saying that even the worst things can become the best if you look at it at a different perspective--or when you have awesome friends to make everything much, much better. 

p.s. Look for the pictures in my Facebook account. I'm having a hard time uploading them here. My internet connection is failing me. :|