Better late than never

Happy new year! 

As you can see, this is my first blog post for 2012, and it's already halfway through February. As I said in my title up there, better late than never.

Since 2012 started, our clinical duty rotations have also started, and they kept me busy like a madman. Papers here, there, and everywhere, made it really impossible for me to have time to express my thoughts and thingamaniggers here in my blog. It's been a sad, sad life. It's not over yet, though, for we have lots of rotations to conquer, but now is my free week so I'm relatively 'free' (except for that freakin' med paper which I haven't even started yet). Anyhow, school still sucks--and that's a sucky fact. 

What gets me through is the motivation that someday, I'll be able to leave all these behind and lead a better life out there (out there = outside this freakin' continent). I most especially hate it when people ask me why I won't be pursuing medicine. Well, first of all, it's really not for me. Second, I'm tired of studying. Third, my sister has co-nurses in California who all were able to graduate from varying prestigious med schools in the Philippines--and still chose to work as nurses. And fourth, why struggle when I'm bound to leave the country anyway?

As you might have assumed, I'm the Type X employee Douglas McGregor has been raving about. I dislike work. I work only if I'll benefit from it. And I suck at groupworks. To sum it all up, I'm just lazy and selfish. And oh yeah, I'm very, very hateful.

I have this ultra-weird personality that my boyfriend even assumed that I have that freakin' personality disorder that most people chose to make movies about--Borderline Personality Disorder. I laughed at the idea, but after searching the net for the characteristics of a person with BPD, I was like, "OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH.THAT IS FREAKIN' ME." Well, not definitely, but it's likely. I'm not a nice person, so you're just gonna have to Google it on your own. Moving on, yes, I admit, I'm not a nice person. I throw around hate so often, that it's really hard for me to name things or persons that I do not actually 'hate'. I choose my friends (so to all my friends out there, lucky you for you've all been chosen). I judge a lot (specially based on appearances). And yeah, I tend to withdraw. I withdraw when things seem so difficult that I expect things to go well during my absence. I withdraw when I don't want to deal with the world. I withdraw when I'm tired. But hey, who doesn't. Everybody feels that way at some point in his or her life, too, right? I guess I'm just human enough to not care about what others may think and to actually care only for myself. Selfish, I know. But yes, I've been skipping group meetings. I've also been ignoring messages from friends who are highly 'diplomatic'. I've been turning a blind eye to groupworks and such. I just need some rest. It's almost the end of our 'free' week, and I'm still stressed as ever. Forgive me, but on this day, I choose to ignore and withdraw to my personal world. 

Stress, I'll deal with you tomorrow. 

Ignorance commences. Now. 

I don't want to go back to school yet

It's already the 29th of December. In a few days, I'll be dragging my lazy butt back to the polluted streets of Manila to study my brain out. Worse, I'll be going on duty again, and THAT is even worse than having an exam everyday. 

The vacation's not yet over, and yet, I already miss it. In fact, I'm already feeling homesick even now that I'm still here. Thinking about leaving gives me that feeling that I don't really like. Thinking of the days and nights that I'll be staying awake because of requirements make me sick to the stomach. I'm not saying that I don't want to do those anymore. I just want more time to rest and to prepare myself. I haven't fully recovered from the blow of last semester. The effects of all those burnout-inducing days of hell have not completely evacuated my system. I'm still too tired from the things we did from last semester and now I'll be facing another hurdle which is even harder than the first. 

The reason I've been evading all type of school-related things is that I want to rest. I just want to break free from those that give me negative feelings. I didn't really want to have this emotion towards school, but I couldn't help it. I just want to go to school to learn. But really, how can I learn when I have this pervading feeling that 'I'm going to fail' stuck inside of my system. I want to learn without fear of anything. I want to enjoy it. This, I think is not possible. 

And this is probably one of those days where I'm regretting, with every inch of my being, why I didn't go yellow. 

My Dugout

Because I was inspired by Ms. Una Buendia's blog post about cleaning her room, I did some of my cleaning too. But since I'm not really artsy with the tangible stuff, and because I'm a lazy donkey during breaks, I didn't give my room much of a makeover like what I said in my previous post about my Christmas agenda. But, be my judge. I'll be posting pictures of my room both before and after the 'cleaning'. Just don't expect much, ok?Haha.

So this is what you see first when you open my blue door.

My bed.

Yeah,umm...stuff.

Some of my books.

Photos and other books.

Trees.

My niece's study desk (they placed it here because she studies in my room most of the time).

MY desk.

Clothes on top of a keyboard.

Le floor.

My favorite medal. HAHA. Found it along the mess. =))

My 'fixed' bed plus Louie. :D

HA! Big difference from before, huh?

Not much changed. Sorry.

I can use my desk now!

See the torrents?:))

I can also use the keyboard now that it's visible and usable. 

So there you go, you've seen my dugout before and after I 'cleaned' it. I admit, it's more comfortable to be inside it now that it doesn't look like a refugee home anymore. I'm planning on adding stuff to it like a wall where I can post stuff and some more stuff to hang on the walls. I guess that will be done on my summer vacation. See you! :)

All I Want for Christmas

Even though last night was pretty morose and depressing, I had a wonderful Christmas. I'm not going to expound on this anymore.

 Let's just say, I got everything I wanted.;)

Merry Christmas!

On Christmas Eve

I'm not going to pretend by saying, "Yes, I'm having a great time this Christmas eve." I'm not. This probably is the loneliest Christmas eve I've ever had in years. 

Right now I'm home alone. My Dad's somewhere out with his friends while the rest of the family is scattered all around the world. I miss all the festivities that occur during this time of the year. I most definitely miss my Mom's cooking which usually is the star of every family meal. I also miss the gift-giving and having wacky pictures with my family. But yes, things do change. I'm just going to have to live with it. In my opinion, it's a year of compensation. I'll just compensate by doing things that will take my mind off things and make me happy. And of course, I'm looking forward to getting the gifts sent by my Mom and my sister (which will be tomorrow). 

Merry Christmas to you, my dear reader. I wish you're having a better time than what I'm having now. 

Not for the close-minded

We attended a funeral today. It's been a while since I've been inside a church let alone, attend mass. It was strange. I couldn't bear to respond or to sing the hymns because I couldn't find it in myself to believe anymore. 

I've been thinking a lot about life. Not just the usual 'Why are we here?' or 'Where did we come from?', but also about religion and the like. I had a lot of theories and thoughts concocted. First is my 'alien' theory. It all started when my brother and I had this deep conversation about outer space (we're both space enthusiasts, you see). He questioned a lot of existing theories and so I listened as he made his point. I couldn't help but agree. He was right, most of the time. What struck me was his opinion regarding intelligent life aside from our own. It's true that the human race is very young relative to the earth and, most definitely, to the universe itself. It's highly probable that during those times when we haven't even evolved yet, other intelligent lifeforms have already started. And by the time man began, they may have reached their ultimate form of intelligence. What the implications are, you may ask. What if they've been observing us already? Given their state of advancement, they already probably have devised a spacecraft that can travel a hundred times faster than the speed of light. Or maybe they've already infiltrated our civilization? This is where my second 'theory' comes in. 

I call my second theory the 'root' theory. Given the assumption that they've already been observing us and that they have somehow 'infiltrated' our civilization, what if we're just subjects? What if we've been placed here by these alien lifeforms just to be studied or, worse, played with as most gamers play Sims 3? We still actually don't know our own origins. If we're basing it in the evolution theory, where exactly is the missing link? And how come we're so diverse given all the different races who look different from each other? Should we really blame it on genetic mutations? What gave rise to slanted eyes or to almond ones? What if they've been intervening with us since time immemorial? Hieroglyphics in Egypt depict ancient 'vehicles' that resemble helicopters. We all know that during that time, there were no helicopters yet. What if those were aliens working? What if they've helped build up our civilization through time? Look at all the ancient structures. Could it have been possible that man thought of them and created them on their own? Maybe yes, maybe no. 

And this is where the third, and most controversial of my theories enter. What if Jesus was from an alien kind?  What if his abilities were all 'alien' powers? This may sound foolish, but what if it's true? He used to 'ascend' to heaven a lot. More like an alien ascending to the mother ship. There's also something about his return along with a kingdom in heaven. What if it's the alien kingdom he's referring to and that while they're gone, they've gone off to other planets to do the same. So that one day, people will be harvested, while some who aren't good enough according to their standards will be left below? Don't shun me or anything. I still believe in God. These are just 'what ifs' that crossed my twisted imagination. And I don't know much about the bible in able to be credible.

So these are the initial theories I've come up with, but there are still some brewing in my imagination. I don't want to lengthen this post anymore. I'll save the other thoughts for another post, for I, myself, don't like reading long blog posts because of my short attention span. Just so, I'm going to end this post with my queries.

If creation, according to the bible, was true, where do the other planets come in? When were they created? Did each planet have their own story of 'creation' too?

If Jesus came to save us, what about the others? Did he go to their planets too? (yes, I believe there is life elsewhere)

Where exactly is heaven?

Where exactly is hell?

Can God watch over the whole universe? Does He?

Am I going insane?

I have more questions to ask,but I'm really distracted right now that I can't collect my thoughts anymore. 

Just so you know, I refused to receive communion.

*I didn't reread this post. Grammar nazi, forgive me.

To Do

I have a lot of things on my mind for this break, and I really want to make these things happen. Of course, I'm going to start by NOT playing Sims 3 anymore because it ruins everything! 

• Buy my boyfriend… a Christmas present (HAHA)
• Give my room a makeover while cleaning it in the process  (I just cleaned it, though -__-)
• Catch up on American Horror Story
• Catch up on Glee (This is optional judging how ugly the storyline has become.)
• Watch City Hunter (Hi, Gizelle!)
• Update my music
• Delete files from my laptop to free some memory
• Practice shooting with Magnus
• Watch all unwatched movies in my laptop

But yeah, this is not FINAL. I'm sure I'll be removing or adding stuff to this list as my vacation progresses. I only have one goal...TO MAKE THIS VACATION COUNT.