Jun 1, 2011

The Brain and Pork Brine

I've seen it. I read it. I even 'liked' it. I know you're not obliging me to give you any form of response, but I want to. After days of thinking of a clever response to what you said, I managed to end up with this. Just a simple blog post--straightforward and truthful like the person who wrote it. 

I thought I knew the melody that I heard you singing
And when you smiled you made me feel like I could sing along

First day. I was on my way to our car to meet my Dad who had been waiting for me when I passed by your school bus. You greeted me. I greeted you back. Your identity then was not as distinct to me as it is now. From a pool of new faces and people I had met that day, I didn't really have the mental capability to remember your name. But I remembered you, and what you did. That was probably our first interaction. The second one was when I sent pieces of rice flying toward your direction and having them stick to your pants. Long story.

Time passed by and suddenly I found myself beside you, and you beside me. Time passed by again, and *poof* you meant so much more to me than just a...native carabao. Now that I try to recall some of the 'good' days, I can say that I really had a great time with you as my friend. We never ran out of stuff to talk about, and we would laugh about things other people wouldn't even get. 'Just because we're smarter than you doesn't mean we're boastful' was our favorite catchphrase. I still remember the day when you brought a copy of your favorite song to school and asked me to be your back-up singer. 

I didn't want to tell you. I knew that if I did, everything would change. I was aware that you had your eyes (and your heart) set on other girls and I was not one of them. I wanted to just let it pass since the school year was almost ending. I could just forget you when school ends, and start anew when it begins again. I knew you. You were nice to people. You were nice to everybody. And when you were nice to me, I didn't want to think of it as something else because it would just be painful. As I said before, I knew that at the end of the day, I was just another friend, a seatmate. 

Until one day, somebody invaded my privacy and read my diary while I was busy campaigning for a position I eventually won.

I thought you knew. I really thought you knew. The devil who read my diary was quoting 'lines' from the same page wherein I said something about how I felt for you, and yes, I really thought you knew. He was blurting out those lines in front of us, and so I thought that you were just being nice by not reacting to it whatsoever. It was agonizing. I managed to just live through the final days of school believing you knew my secret and that you didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to ask you. I was a coward. I was weak. I couldn't handle rejection.

In one way, I felt rejected all the same. You continued talking to me about your main squeeze day by day. I just nodded to whatever you said, and I really tried to be a good friend to you. So it went on. I wanted to forget about the incident and just deal with seeing you every weekday as if nothing happened--as if you didn't know about my secret. 

Then, we went our separate ways. 

We never talked in person as often. There were instances when we were in the same room, but we didn't talk. I really wanted to patch things up. I wanted to rebuild the friendship. I guess it's just too late for that now. There were instances as well when we talked face-to-face. There was one time when I shamelessly sat beside you in the bus, and during another time in February. You were my what-if. Now, yes, it's been a almost a year since we last talked online. We remained friends in cyberspace until last year. I felt it. I knew you were avoiding me. I knew you weren't talking to me, and I let you. As always, I didn't want to force myself into your world. You walked out on me, and I didn't run after you. I guess, you didn't want me to. That was your way of telling me that I should not get involved with your business and you with mine. 

Now I know what's behind it. Now I know how you really felt, and what all of it was about. I loved reading it, but in the end I got somehow offended. No, wait. I shouldn't be offended that you somehow implied that I made things harder for you. I'm me. I'm not for the weak of heart. I rock people's worlds. (So egotistic, haha) But now that it's all out there, I guess this marks the end of it all. Wherever this may lead, I don't know. Thank you for everything. Good luck with life. May you find the happiness you deserve. Someday, our paths may cross again--and I will definitely kill you with a chainsaw.   

Maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan
Huwag kang mabahala, 'di kita malilimutan

p.s. I said 'yes', but you left me first.


Anonymous said...

glomp glomp. sino yan?:))

Joyce said...

^Sino ka?:))