To Do

I have a lot of things on my mind for this break, and I really want to make these things happen. Of course, I'm going to start by NOT playing Sims 3 anymore because it ruins everything! 

• Buy my boyfriend… a Christmas present (HAHA)
• Give my room a makeover while cleaning it in the process  (I just cleaned it, though -__-)
• Catch up on American Horror Story
• Catch up on Glee (This is optional judging how ugly the storyline has become.)
• Watch City Hunter (Hi, Gizelle!)
• Update my music
• Delete files from my laptop to free some memory
• Practice shooting with Magnus
• Watch all unwatched movies in my laptop

But yeah, this is not FINAL. I'm sure I'll be removing or adding stuff to this list as my vacation progresses. I only have one goal...TO MAKE THIS VACATION COUNT. 

Keep off my lawn

I know I'm probably one of those people who seem to hate everything. I hate this, and that, this, and that. But I know I'm not one of those people who go all emotional over stuff and even threaten to slash their own wrists (I'm so past that stage). It's just that I really have anger management issues which I'll be talking about in another time, because this time, I'm talking about my issues regarding territory.

Yes, I am very territorial. I don't want people invading my personal space without my permission nor do I want them to touch my belongings, again, without permission. I'm a selfish person, I admit. I believe that what's mine is mine, and what's yours is, well, yours. So just keep your dirty feet off my lawn. Ok? 

So what if people move my things or invade my personal space without my permission? Sometimes, I just hold everything in and give whoever the offender is some mercy by not reacting to the offense. Sometimes, I breathe fire and give that person the worst treatment I can ever give to a carbon-based organism. But this time, no, I'm not going to take this sitting down because it concerns one of the things (or people) I value the most--my boyfriend.

I often throw jokes about people. I often link them together, too. But I only do that when applicable. When exactly? When both of the people I'm trying to pair up are uncommitted, available, and SINGLE. Seriously, my boyfriend is MINE. I'm not jealous or anything. I've seen who you guys are trying to pair up with him (nothing to worry about, really). It's the consideration you are not giving to ME, as his girlfriend, that pisses me off. BIG TIME. The fact that you know he already has a girlfriend and that he has been committed to OUR RELATIONSHIP for FIVE FREAKIN' YEARS should be enough to send you throwing jokes in the other direction. 

I seriously want to give ALL of you a roundhouse kick to the moon. 

Magkita-kita na lang tayo sa Paskuhan, suckers. 

To One Who Hates Group Hugs

I tried to run after you, but then I remembered you wouldn't want me to, anyway. You were never one to be touchy and sappy.

I also didn't know what to say, for I myself have never been the one to give comforting words. So here I am, dedicating this post to you, my dear friend. 

I was in a state of shock when it happened. Sad, I really was. Tears just started falling. And I still couldn't, still can't actually, accept the fact that you'll no longer be with us in early morning duties and late nights in the community. I was really feeling uneasy when our group received the news that we had to say goodbye to one of our group members. If possible, I wanted to just go down on my knees and plead just to avoid having to go through such a difficult event. But, of course, we had to because we had no choice (as always). 

I'm definitely going to miss our little 'concerts'. I'm also going to miss your words of wisdom. Do you remember that time in Ward 1 when I was feeling down and you cheered me up with your words? I'm also definitely going to miss hearing your sometimes, if not always, 'foul' jokes. Haha. And of course, you were always the one who I easily got along with in the group because you're so much fun to be with. 

I know it's not really goodbye. We'll still be seeing each other whether in school or in the vicinity of our school. You were probably one of the reasons why our group always had a great time. You always had funny ideas and you even cooked for us (despite the hotdogs being edematous and all). We can always have other UBEs. I know things won't change. You're still one of us. Maybe not in the clinical areas, or so, but you'll always be part of the group. Always.

Thank you so much for the friendship. I know it wouldn't end here. We're still friends, right? You, me, plus the  eight other people who enjoyed basking in your sunlight. Here's to all the great times our group had. 

You will definitely be missed. 

Here's a virtual hug to you. >:D< 

Sorry. :))

Because at Night I Think a Lot

I'm  a night person, and now that I'm no longer spending my nights playing Sims 3, I'm here. 

I'm bothered. I thought my future was already planned. And yet, here I am confused as to what I'm doing here. You see, I no longer love what I'm doing. Scratch that. I never loved what I'm doing. Yes, I was not coerced, in any way, by my parents/siblings/cousins/etc to take up this degree program, but I still chose it. Mainly, because I knew how lucrative it will be in the future and that's my main goal in life--to be loaded with so much money that I even have spare money to burn. Don't even start with the usual "Hindi na in demand ang nursing ngayon" talk if you don't want me to peel off the skin of your mother and soak her in lemon juice. I have a lot of connections, and if it weren't for the fact that I've already started my college education here, I'd probably be in America by now.

Moving on, I'm just bothered, troubled, anxious, etc. I can't seem to motivate myself anymore. Thinking of school brings dark clouds in my head, and it's never a good feeling. It feels like whenever I go to Manila, I'm doomed and that something is bound to dampen my spirits or something. I keep telling this to my Mom when she was still here in the Philippines, and she would ask me whether I wanted to shift or transfer to another school because she would allow me to. But seeing how much time and effort I've already put in traversing this road I'm on, I refuse. No matter how much I regret not choosing my dream school, I still chose to remain. She was already asking if I wanted to transfer there. I was crying on the phone with my Mom saying I wanted out of this and that I couldn't stand another minute, no, another millisecond of this crap. But when given the chance to wipe this crap off the butt called 'life', I couldn't make the decision. 

Now I'm just confused. Part of me needs to stay because I really have to. But part of me keeps telling me that I shouldn't be wasting my time. I've gone this far, and I should be grateful that I made it this far in one piece. I'm also thinking of what will possibly happen to me in the future. It's been laid out for me by my sister. I graduate, get a license, and travel abroad with help from my sister and my parents. I'll be staying there for good and finally achieve my dream of living in LA or in New York. 

People are asking me if I still want to pursue Medicine. For now, I don't plan to do so. My priorities have shifted. I don't want to spend any second of my life studying after college graduation. I don't dream of becoming a Doctor. I have only one dream--to be happy. For the past several years I've spent my time studying and being a slave to my education. I just want to break free and do the things I really love. I'm so sick of not being able to live my life how I really want it to. I'm so sick of being bound, obliged, and watched. I'm rebellious in spirit, but I haven't really acted it out. I stick to the color pink when all I really want to be is red. 

You see, I'm not courageous enough. 

Le Sem-ender

Because we had a MAJOR paper due last Tuesday, my group decided to stay at my place and wrap everything up. They intended to stay there for a night so that we can finish everything and submit the paper by afternoon of the next day. I thought it was just going to be one of those hellish cramming nights we all have had. But no, I was so wrong.


After finishing our paper on Tuesday afternoon, I had this brilliant idea of asking them if they wanted to stay for one more night there at my place. And they said yes.

Before eating Le Food by Kevin (Le Man)

Le Food

Group Disease (Water Edition)

Time and Activity Plan for Two Days

Before Scaring Our Guts Out with Coming Soon 

I have never been that genuinely happy in the company of friends for a long time. 

I miss them.

I miss the laughs, the music, Le Food, the laughs, the screams, the cries (Hi, Vane!), the swim, and everything else in between. I miss everything. I miss all that we did in those two days of being together. I miss you, Group D. Thank you so much for everything.

I love you all.

p.s. Remember when I told you guys that I had a better time with my previous group (Group E)? I take all that back. I'm in heaven when I'm with you, guys. ;)

Capture

We have this project in Humanities II where we are required to submit a work of art. By that, our professor meant any form of art such as a painting, a sculpture, or interpretative dancing to the tune of Lupang Hinirang (provided that you record it). Seeing that I have loads of talent *ehem* in the arts *more ehem*, I had to choose well. I have not drawn anything good lately, nor have I a piano nearby so I can play any of the pieces I know (with passion) and just record it in video. In the end, I chose to just submit photographs. To those who don't know, I'm now taking creative shots--whatever those are. I've been doing this since last year, but I haven't gone public about it. I have an account in deviantart that I'm keeping under a different name, and I don't upload my photographs in facebook or whatsoever. But if you've been quite loyal, maybe you've seen some of my works because I post them here from time to time (see previous post). Moving on, I went around shooting pictures just after I had passed my N105 papers (hell yeah!). I was planning to go to Paco Park since the place had so much potential. Unfortunately, IT RAINED! So I was stuck here. Thank God our amenities here look good and I managed to take fairly decent photographs. Now my dilemma is---I DON'T WANT TO SUBMIT THE PHOTOGRAPHS ANYMORE. I'm not backing out or anything. It's just that, I want to keep them to myself. I chose nine of my works and printed them on photo paper, and I had no idea they would look THAT good in print. 

Oh God, can I just have these for myself?

What you're seeing above are my nine favorite photographs. Maybe I'll post them one by one here and leave commentaries as to how they became part of my top nine. We'll see. Soon, after all the toxicity disintegrates.

Clair