Because at Night I Think a Lot

I'm  a night person, and now that I'm no longer spending my nights playing Sims 3, I'm here. 

I'm bothered. I thought my future was already planned. And yet, here I am confused as to what I'm doing here. You see, I no longer love what I'm doing. Scratch that. I never loved what I'm doing. Yes, I was not coerced, in any way, by my parents/siblings/cousins/etc to take up this degree program, but I still chose it. Mainly, because I knew how lucrative it will be in the future and that's my main goal in life--to be loaded with so much money that I even have spare money to burn. Don't even start with the usual "Hindi na in demand ang nursing ngayon" talk if you don't want me to peel off the skin of your mother and soak her in lemon juice. I have a lot of connections, and if it weren't for the fact that I've already started my college education here, I'd probably be in America by now.

Moving on, I'm just bothered, troubled, anxious, etc. I can't seem to motivate myself anymore. Thinking of school brings dark clouds in my head, and it's never a good feeling. It feels like whenever I go to Manila, I'm doomed and that something is bound to dampen my spirits or something. I keep telling this to my Mom when she was still here in the Philippines, and she would ask me whether I wanted to shift or transfer to another school because she would allow me to. But seeing how much time and effort I've already put in traversing this road I'm on, I refuse. No matter how much I regret not choosing my dream school, I still chose to remain. She was already asking if I wanted to transfer there. I was crying on the phone with my Mom saying I wanted out of this and that I couldn't stand another minute, no, another millisecond of this crap. But when given the chance to wipe this crap off the butt called 'life', I couldn't make the decision. 

Now I'm just confused. Part of me needs to stay because I really have to. But part of me keeps telling me that I shouldn't be wasting my time. I've gone this far, and I should be grateful that I made it this far in one piece. I'm also thinking of what will possibly happen to me in the future. It's been laid out for me by my sister. I graduate, get a license, and travel abroad with help from my sister and my parents. I'll be staying there for good and finally achieve my dream of living in LA or in New York. 

People are asking me if I still want to pursue Medicine. For now, I don't plan to do so. My priorities have shifted. I don't want to spend any second of my life studying after college graduation. I don't dream of becoming a Doctor. I have only one dream--to be happy. For the past several years I've spent my time studying and being a slave to my education. I just want to break free and do the things I really love. I'm so sick of not being able to live my life how I really want it to. I'm so sick of being bound, obliged, and watched. I'm rebellious in spirit, but I haven't really acted it out. I stick to the color pink when all I really want to be is red. 

You see, I'm not courageous enough. 

Le Sem-ender

Because we had a MAJOR paper due last Tuesday, my group decided to stay at my place and wrap everything up. They intended to stay there for a night so that we can finish everything and submit the paper by afternoon of the next day. I thought it was just going to be one of those hellish cramming nights we all have had. But no, I was so wrong.


After finishing our paper on Tuesday afternoon, I had this brilliant idea of asking them if they wanted to stay for one more night there at my place. And they said yes.

Before eating Le Food by Kevin (Le Man)

Le Food

Group Disease (Water Edition)

Time and Activity Plan for Two Days

Before Scaring Our Guts Out with Coming Soon 

I have never been that genuinely happy in the company of friends for a long time. 

I miss them.

I miss the laughs, the music, Le Food, the laughs, the screams, the cries (Hi, Vane!), the swim, and everything else in between. I miss everything. I miss all that we did in those two days of being together. I miss you, Group D. Thank you so much for everything.

I love you all.

p.s. Remember when I told you guys that I had a better time with my previous group (Group E)? I take all that back. I'm in heaven when I'm with you, guys. ;)

Post-printing Frustrations

I've only just finished printing some of the visual aids I'd be using tomorrow for yet again another beautiful day in the community. Nah, that didn't sound right. Part of that sentence was true, though. It's definitely not the second half.

I'm starting to come to terms with a lot of things. First is with school. Yes, this is the semester that made me regret all the decisions I've ever made regarding my education. Of course, most of you might have read my rants in twitter or in facebook which somehow got my mother telling me to keep quiet about my negative vibes toward my university. Nonetheless, here I am STILL expressing how much I regret not choosing the road more often traveled. Mainly, I chose to be where I am now because most people tell me that it's the best, or maybe because I just wanted some challenge. But now that I think of it, I chose it for the bragging rights (yeah, baby. triple quota!).

Second is with...well, just guess.

I've always feared the unknown. That's why I love making plans or preparing ahead of schedule. I'm a dreamer, too. I always think of what will happen to me someday. Who I'll be ending up with, or in what type of house I'll be living in, and even how many children I'd like to have. The problem is, I'm dreaming alone. I've only just realized it now that when it comes to thinking of the future, I'm always alone. It's either the other person involved evades the topic or because the person involved ignores what I say regarding the future. Sad, I know. And it's making me think, really. It's making me think whether that person really wants to be part of my future. I think it's also my mistake. I've always been too serious about him. I guess I should tone it down a bit. Maybe I should just stop being so pushy about it and just start withdrawing.

I guess, for now, I'll be making plans for myself...only.

this week

Before the week ends and another starts, I want to share some of the highlights of the week. I was not able to post anything about them because the week was just too toxic. Organic chemistry was squeezing the life out of me. I feel like I'm 50 years older because of it. So does that make me 68 years old? Anyway, because I'm in the middle of solving some math problems for our group work, I'm gonna have to make this post snappy. You get it? Snappy? Oh darn it. Let the 'pictures' do the talking.

Organic chemistry DID squeeze the life out of me--including my sense of humor. So before it squeezes anything else from me, let's get this over with.

The day I felt so legal

Because I turned 18 last month, (exactly a month before May 10) I was able to take part in the historic automated election! Yeah, baby. Who's legal now, huh? It was fun. I had fun shading the 'bilog na hugis itlog'. But they weren't really egg-shaped. They looked more like ovals to me. :| And eggs are NOT oval. Yes, I'm talking about chicken eggs.

My oh-so-motivational-ultra-mini wall of motivation

Because Organic Chemistry was killing me and my hopes, I had to motivate myself. And since I had a lot of post-it's, I created this oh-so-motivational-ultra-mini wall of motivation. So now I turned my printer into a printer WITH an oh-so-motivational-ultra-mini wall of motivation. What do the post-it's say? Zoom in, people. Zoom in.

Cramming for Organic Chemistry

Nobody said it was going to be easy, but nobody said it was going to be hellishly hard. For the first time in my life, I felt so hopeless when faced with a subject. Sure, I had difficult subjects before, but they're nothing compared to Organic Chem. It's so hard, it puts diamonds to shame.

THE NAME PLATE

We finally got our name plates! It just feels so good to have one with my name on it. Oh yeah, this is just the motivation I need.

So there you go. If a picture paints a thousand words, this blog post speaks at least 4,000 words (including the ones I typed). So, bye for now. Anemia is attacking me again. :|

what a wednesday

Even though it’s a Wednesday, I forced myself to wake up and drag my body to school. I had two reasons why I needed to. First, we had a meeting about our NSTP presentation to be held two weeks from now which I am inviting you all to watch—if ever you guys have time. Second, the first round of the debate was scheduled today. But due to the stormy weather, it was postponed.

I didn’t know how to react at first. I had mixed emotions regarding it. I really didn’t want to prolong the agony anymore. But then again, having it rescheduled meant having more time for me to revise my speech and actually rehearse delivering it.

I was supposed to get out of my bed at 6:30 a.m., but when the alarm woke me up, I reset the alarm to go off at 6:45. And when the alarm woke me up at 6:45, I reset it again to 7:00. O_O And I was supposed to be in the meeting by 8:00! Realizing how late I was, I got up and searched for breakfast. I didn’t have an appetite, so I just ate chocolate chip cookies really, really slowly. I was even talking to Bless while eating. I acted like I had all the time in the world.

After consuming the whole pack of Chips Ahoy, I started getting ready for the meeting. By that time, I was sober already.

As expected, I arrived late. I got to school at 8:30 a.m., and the meeting had already started. Good thing they just ignored me as I entered the meeting area. Mind you, I had to walk down the aisle since the only available entrance then was the one at the back of the room. Well at least I attended! And I wasn’t the only latecomer. :)

Sugar really had its effects on me. I was extra-hyper all morning! I was taking pictures of people, dancing out of cue, and saying nonsense to everybody. Really, I was insane.

happy joyce

'listening'

After the meeting, my group mates and team mates for the debate decided to eat lunch together. But on our way to Robinsons, strong winds and rain attacked us. By the time we got to the mall, our shoes were making squishy sounds, and our pants were all wet.

The group decided to eat in McDo even though I was forcing them to eat in Chow King. Of course, majority always wins, so I had to forget about my longing for the sumptuous fried dumplings. In McDo, my insanity continued. But by that time, my friends were insane as well. We were talking about niggers and stuff. I still don’t know why I told them I was a transsexual and in my past life, I was a nigger. Hell, just look at what sugar does to people. O_O

A funny conversation in McDo...

Harriet: Chips Ahoy lang almusal mo?

Joyce: Oo.

Harriet: Yung isang pack?! Yung may tatluhan tapos nakatayo yung mga cookies?!

Joyce: Oo.

Harriet: Naubos mo yun?!

Joyce: Oo.

Harriet: Grabe 'to o.

Kevin: Wala pa yan.

Harriet: Ano ka ba, babae yan!

It was kind of weird then, because McDo was already playing Christmas songs! And in between the Christmas songs, they either played Nobody or some other pop song. Of course, we danced to the beat.

joyce and erin acting like gangstas

harriet and danj acting like girls (wait, harriet IS a girl O_O)

It was also there in McDo where Ella received a text message from the facilitators of the debate saying that it would just be rescheduled due to the weather. T.T

We left McDo after a long while, and my friends acted like my entourage as I looked for a nice dress. We went to different stores, but I still didn’t find any dress. Later on, I just gave up. My friends went home, and I was by myself.

On my way home, I passed by Bench and saw a really cute dress. So I went in, tried it on, and bought it. And then I remembered something I needed to buy, so I went to the other side of the mall to buy it. My legs and feet were aching then, but I still managed to go back and forth the Padre Faura and Pedro Gil wing of the mall. Sigh. The things I do for love.

When I got home, I went straight to my bed and lay there for hours. It has been such a tiring day.

happy tuesday

Tomorrow’s the big day, and I’m getting more and more nervous by the minute. You see, I still haven’t started writing my freaking speech for the debate. Well actually, I’m done with the ‘power’ opening (all thanks to Erin and Nicko). But that’s it. The rest of the speech is still swimming around in my head, and I have yet to collect it. I already know what I’m going to write, but with all the distractions (plus my laziness), I just can’t do it now. Anxiety just makes me crave for doughnuts.

Highlights for the day:

I managed to escape the Volleyball team tryouts.

Hooray for me! This month already has enough humiliation in store for me, and I do not want to ask for more. Imagine me, Joyce, a wimpy kid (there, I admit it) playing for the whole Freshman Assembly with everybody watching. Isn’t that a scary thought? Even Ken told me I was a lousy Volleyball player.

Joyce: Ken, lousy player ba ako sa Volleyball?

Ken: Ayos lang.

Joyce: YUNG TOTOO.

Ken:*panics* Me-me-medyo.

There, you see? I am lousy. T.T But I really wanted to come. If it wasn’t for my speech, I would have come. I wanted to know if I’d get in. I mean, college is the time for discovering new talents and exploring new places. What if all who tried out were just as lousy as I am? I guess I’ll never know until a new opportunity comes. Maybe in next year’s intramurals I’ll be given another chance.

I bullied someone who deserved to be.

Actually, my goal was to be nice to everybody, but this guy just kept on annoying me. I don’t want to get into the details anymore. Let’s just say I treated him like he was Nicko way back in High School. *evil laugh*

I realized something.

While eating fried dumplings with rice (my new favorite) in Chow King, I realized how sad it was to run out of food. I asked my friends if it was normal for someone to be sad when nearing the end of his or her meal. They said NO. I was teary-eyed then, and they were just laughing at me.

But it’s true! I want whatever food I’m eating to last forever. College has turned me into a glutton. It’s not my fault I have a really fast metabolism! Like what Sir Paguio said, “Katawang beauty queen, sikmurang kargador.”

I ‘accidentally’ kicked an innocent kitty.

It was accidental! I swear! It happened on our way to Math class. My friends and I were just walking with me leading the way. And then suddenly, it got in my way. I couldn’t stop walking anymore so it got kicked by my foot. It made this weird sound and ran to the side. I felt so sorry for the poor kitty. It was just looking at me, making me feel sorrier. I just said ‘sorry’ to the poor creature.

So there, all the things I managed to remember to somehow forget about tomorrow’s big event. Sigh. The things I do to procrastinate. This ends here. I seriously have to start working on my speech. I have to make sure the whole speech takes up seven minutes. Wish me luck, guys. Don’t forget to pray for me! Or else, I will haunt you forever! *evil laugh*