Better late than never

Happy new year! 

As you can see, this is my first blog post for 2012, and it's already halfway through February. As I said in my title up there, better late than never.

Since 2012 started, our clinical duty rotations have also started, and they kept me busy like a madman. Papers here, there, and everywhere, made it really impossible for me to have time to express my thoughts and thingamaniggers here in my blog. It's been a sad, sad life. It's not over yet, though, for we have lots of rotations to conquer, but now is my free week so I'm relatively 'free' (except for that freakin' med paper which I haven't even started yet). Anyhow, school still sucks--and that's a sucky fact. 

What gets me through is the motivation that someday, I'll be able to leave all these behind and lead a better life out there (out there = outside this freakin' continent). I most especially hate it when people ask me why I won't be pursuing medicine. Well, first of all, it's really not for me. Second, I'm tired of studying. Third, my sister has co-nurses in California who all were able to graduate from varying prestigious med schools in the Philippines--and still chose to work as nurses. And fourth, why struggle when I'm bound to leave the country anyway?

As you might have assumed, I'm the Type X employee Douglas McGregor has been raving about. I dislike work. I work only if I'll benefit from it. And I suck at groupworks. To sum it all up, I'm just lazy and selfish. And oh yeah, I'm very, very hateful.

I have this ultra-weird personality that my boyfriend even assumed that I have that freakin' personality disorder that most people chose to make movies about--Borderline Personality Disorder. I laughed at the idea, but after searching the net for the characteristics of a person with BPD, I was like, "OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH.THAT IS FREAKIN' ME." Well, not definitely, but it's likely. I'm not a nice person, so you're just gonna have to Google it on your own. Moving on, yes, I admit, I'm not a nice person. I throw around hate so often, that it's really hard for me to name things or persons that I do not actually 'hate'. I choose my friends (so to all my friends out there, lucky you for you've all been chosen). I judge a lot (specially based on appearances). And yeah, I tend to withdraw. I withdraw when things seem so difficult that I expect things to go well during my absence. I withdraw when I don't want to deal with the world. I withdraw when I'm tired. But hey, who doesn't. Everybody feels that way at some point in his or her life, too, right? I guess I'm just human enough to not care about what others may think and to actually care only for myself. Selfish, I know. But yes, I've been skipping group meetings. I've also been ignoring messages from friends who are highly 'diplomatic'. I've been turning a blind eye to groupworks and such. I just need some rest. It's almost the end of our 'free' week, and I'm still stressed as ever. Forgive me, but on this day, I choose to ignore and withdraw to my personal world. 

Stress, I'll deal with you tomorrow. 

Ignorance commences. Now. 

My Dugout

Because I was inspired by Ms. Una Buendia's blog post about cleaning her room, I did some of my cleaning too. But since I'm not really artsy with the tangible stuff, and because I'm a lazy donkey during breaks, I didn't give my room much of a makeover like what I said in my previous post about my Christmas agenda. But, be my judge. I'll be posting pictures of my room both before and after the 'cleaning'. Just don't expect much, ok?Haha.

So this is what you see first when you open my blue door.

My bed.

Yeah,umm...stuff.

Some of my books.

Photos and other books.

Trees.

My niece's study desk (they placed it here because she studies in my room most of the time).

MY desk.

Clothes on top of a keyboard.

Le floor.

My favorite medal. HAHA. Found it along the mess. =))

My 'fixed' bed plus Louie. :D

HA! Big difference from before, huh?

Not much changed. Sorry.

I can use my desk now!

See the torrents?:))

I can also use the keyboard now that it's visible and usable. 

So there you go, you've seen my dugout before and after I 'cleaned' it. I admit, it's more comfortable to be inside it now that it doesn't look like a refugee home anymore. I'm planning on adding stuff to it like a wall where I can post stuff and some more stuff to hang on the walls. I guess that will be done on my summer vacation. See you! :)

All I Want for Christmas

Even though last night was pretty morose and depressing, I had a wonderful Christmas. I'm not going to expound on this anymore.

 Let's just say, I got everything I wanted.;)

Merry Christmas!

Because at Night I Think a Lot

I'm  a night person, and now that I'm no longer spending my nights playing Sims 3, I'm here. 

I'm bothered. I thought my future was already planned. And yet, here I am confused as to what I'm doing here. You see, I no longer love what I'm doing. Scratch that. I never loved what I'm doing. Yes, I was not coerced, in any way, by my parents/siblings/cousins/etc to take up this degree program, but I still chose it. Mainly, because I knew how lucrative it will be in the future and that's my main goal in life--to be loaded with so much money that I even have spare money to burn. Don't even start with the usual "Hindi na in demand ang nursing ngayon" talk if you don't want me to peel off the skin of your mother and soak her in lemon juice. I have a lot of connections, and if it weren't for the fact that I've already started my college education here, I'd probably be in America by now.

Moving on, I'm just bothered, troubled, anxious, etc. I can't seem to motivate myself anymore. Thinking of school brings dark clouds in my head, and it's never a good feeling. It feels like whenever I go to Manila, I'm doomed and that something is bound to dampen my spirits or something. I keep telling this to my Mom when she was still here in the Philippines, and she would ask me whether I wanted to shift or transfer to another school because she would allow me to. But seeing how much time and effort I've already put in traversing this road I'm on, I refuse. No matter how much I regret not choosing my dream school, I still chose to remain. She was already asking if I wanted to transfer there. I was crying on the phone with my Mom saying I wanted out of this and that I couldn't stand another minute, no, another millisecond of this crap. But when given the chance to wipe this crap off the butt called 'life', I couldn't make the decision. 

Now I'm just confused. Part of me needs to stay because I really have to. But part of me keeps telling me that I shouldn't be wasting my time. I've gone this far, and I should be grateful that I made it this far in one piece. I'm also thinking of what will possibly happen to me in the future. It's been laid out for me by my sister. I graduate, get a license, and travel abroad with help from my sister and my parents. I'll be staying there for good and finally achieve my dream of living in LA or in New York. 

People are asking me if I still want to pursue Medicine. For now, I don't plan to do so. My priorities have shifted. I don't want to spend any second of my life studying after college graduation. I don't dream of becoming a Doctor. I have only one dream--to be happy. For the past several years I've spent my time studying and being a slave to my education. I just want to break free and do the things I really love. I'm so sick of not being able to live my life how I really want it to. I'm so sick of being bound, obliged, and watched. I'm rebellious in spirit, but I haven't really acted it out. I stick to the color pink when all I really want to be is red. 

You see, I'm not courageous enough. 

Clair

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

So there I was feeling really bad for not having the chance to watch Pupil perform in ATC this coming Sunday because of, you guessed it, schoolwork. Being the ranter that I am, I ranted about it in Twitter. And then...AND THEN...

A RETWEET FROM ELY BUENDIA!!! OH GOD OH GOD. I CAN DIE HAPPY.~ 

Just the thought of having him notice me (in the form of a tweet plus a picture, plus my NAME!) takes away all the toxicity I am going through right now as I work on my papers in the wee hours of the morning. 

Tralalala~

Futuristic

When I think of the future, I don’t think much of my future career or where I’d be. There’s only one thing I’m looking forward to—getting married. Yes, you read that right. I do want to get married early, and I do want to start my own family together with the love of my life. This may come as a surprise since most people view me as a person who just wants to succeed in life. Well, I do want to succeed. What is the meaning of success, anyway? Is it defined as having a stable job or having tons and tons of money? Whatever it is, it’s not what I really want to achieve. I just want to be happy. And to me, happiness means so much more than all the grandest jobs or all the money in the world. 

Cut

So finally, I decided to cut my hair short. First, I wanted to do this because it would be easier for me to tie short hair into a bun for our duty days instead of my usual thick and long hair. Second, I just want to feel...carefree. Thank God for all the positive feedback I got from people around me. I'm really enjoying my new hair. It may be messy MOST of the time, but it suits me well. I feel great with my hair. It's more like ME now. I don't need to maintain it so much, since I don't really care anymore. I'm happier, too. To hell with expensive hair treatments. I don't need straight hair to feel beautiful. Hahaha. There, I'm keeping it short and wavy. 

My New Baby

The obligatory self-pic. Hehe. ;)

Time to Grow Up

I still remember the day my Mom dropped me off at a day care center inside their (my mom and dad) office compound. I was hesitant, but I eventually agreed to let go and have her leave me there for a while. It went well at first. I was having fun with all the toys and all the videos until nap time came. I was allowed, or rather forced, to take a nap. I did. Eventually, I woke up crying. Crying because I thought my parents left the compound without me. I thought they were gone. I thought they went home already leaving me there in the day care center. 

Of course, they didn't. I was wrong. It was just a silly feeling that I had because I was not used to being away from them. It wasn't real. It was just a nightmare. How I wish it remained just that, unreal, a figment of my imagination. 

Today, everything changes. I really need to grow up now. My parents left for the states this afternoon, and I am left here--without them. I still have one of my sisters here in the Philippines along with her husband and child, but it's never going to be the same. I miss my Mom. I miss my Dad. It was really painful watching them leave me there at the airport. I hugged them both--hard. Then there they were past the gates waving at us. I cried, and cried. Nights before this fateful day, I cried myself to sleep. 

I think tonight's not going to be any different.

The Ram

Aries in any relationship is magnetic and intense, and others are drawn to these qualities.  The Aries individual prefers a strong partner and strong friends, but only those who are capable of giving the impression that Aries is in the lead.  Aries will be a loyal friend as long as the relationship keeps evolving and they feel that it is of benefit, but if they become bored or the relationship becomes stale, they will assuredly get out.  One who is in any relationship with an Aries should know when to push and when to back off and give the Aries some space.  Aries likes a challenge but pushing too hard will drive him off.  A sure-fire strategy with an Aries in any relationship capacity is to verbalize often that you find them smart and worthwhile, and that they are number one with you!  Remember, with Aries, the by-words are "me first!" 

Formspring's question for the day got me searching for the traits of an Aries. I came across this article describing an Aries in different settings like in a relationship, at work, etc. I was surprised because the article was pretty accurate. I tried reading up on other signs and they were pretty accurate as well (based on my experience with other people). 

I Don't Want To

I don't feel so good today. I feel lazy, tired, and overloaded. I have so many unfinished businesses and there's so much I have yet to decide on. Worse, my future doesn't look so good (my parents are leaving, class starts on the 14th). All these things make me feel burdened, heavy, and weak. I don't feel like doing anything today but relax. I have a lot of books here that I want to read which I might start doing later. I just want to lock myself up here in my room and rest with a book. I don't want to think. I don't want to follow orders. I don't want to be me for just one day. All I want is some mindless idleness or to just do things that I enjoy without all the pressure. 

I don't want to think of the future just now.
I don't want to worry about school.
I don't want to worry about my grades and my scholarship.
I don't want to leave my room.
I don't want to leave this bed.
I don't want to explain myself.
I don't want to answer other people's questions.
I don't want to deal with my problems.

Maybe, just for today, I don't want to be me.

Books

My Mom and I went to the mall this afternoon. She had to go to the bank and do some stuff there. Luckily, right in front of the bank was a large book clearance sale. (Yay!) So automatically she asked me if I wanted to stay there and rummage for books while she went inside the bank and did her thing. I was screaming inside since my original goal was to buy just one book (for financial reasons) from Powerbooks or whatever. And when I saw THAT, I was ecstatic. 

I carefully went through the neatly stacked books and scanned for nice titles like 'Kill Me, I'm a Dolphin' or whatsoever. There were lots of books to choose from, and they came at such low, low prices. There were books worth 20 pesos! They were those teenybopper novels though. So I went around the place looking for a potential good read. I I planned to get a handful of books and then choose from those in the end. However, it didn't turn out like that. I ended up buying every book I got interested in. (Oh well) 

I was shocked when I found a hardbound copy of Maximum Ride so I snatched it immediately from the stand. All of the books I bought, except for Maximum Ride, were all brand new. It was still in good condition, and it really was a bargain. It was worth 80 pesos only! After that, I walked around some more to find some more books. One of the salespersons was already bugging me and offering her assistance in carrying my books. I happily declined. I considered that as an insult to my machismo. But in the end, she wound up carrying my books because I had to kneel down and look at the books down below. I spotted some books by Stephen King but knowing how boring some of his books turned out to be, I skipped out on those. I've become more jumpy and anxious ever since I started reading his books so I try to stay away from them. Right now, I'm in the process of finishing Stephen King's It. Hell, it's as boring as your grandmother's boobs. Moving on, I ended up buying five books. (see picture)

My reason for buying Maximum Ride was because I found it really cheap. It's a good book, it's a hardbound copy, and it costs so less. Who wouldn't buy it? I bought In the Hand of Dante simply because I was intrigued by its plot. It's somehow related to Dante's Inferno, and just last year, I bought Dante's Inferno from another book sale. As you can see, Happiness Sold Separately is quite different from the books I usually read. That's exactly why I bought it. I'd like to explore that genre more. And yes, reading the first page got me hooked so I placed it in the growing stack of books I was hugging. Next, I bought The F*ck Up because I found the plot hilarious--very, very hilarious. It's about a guy whose life gets, you guessed it, so F-ed up. He even ended up having to pretend to be gay just to have a job--being a porn star for a gay porn film. (HAHAHA) And of course, I bought Coraline simply because IT IS CORALINE. 

There you go, the five books I bought today. Believe me, they cost me less than 500 pesos. No, not 499--420 to be exact. 

Shopping for books always beats shopping for overpriced clothes that all look the same anyway.

I need to go now. I need to finish reading Coraline. 

Seriously. 

Summer Goals

• watch all the movies I downloaded while cramming last semester
• practice playing the violin
• practice playing the piano
• practice playing the guitar
• bring body clock back to normalcy
• hang out with high school friends
• eat Bon Chon chicken
• finish reading borrowed books
• open a bank account in BPI
• save money for a new camera 
• revive blog

Yellow

Regrets.

I don't really have a lot of regrets, but there is one thing that would have changed my life...big time.

I want to go back in time.

I should have gone yellow.

I can be creative too

It's been almost a year since I started my deviantart account as eliemagnus. Here's one of my favorites taken from my collection there. :>

reditus

I decided to return to my ‘original’ room after using my brother’s room for a month. My brother’s room is filled with all the stuff I need like wall to wall carpet, guitars, and a keyboard. But then I realized that I badly missed my old room, and seeing all the stuff that I had in there made me really want to go back.

My mom helped me fix my room. First, I had her return my bed to its former position right next to the wall. Having my bed in that position makes me feel more secure and comfortable when I sleep. Next I had her rearrange the cabinets and the study desk. The rest was up to me.

I started arranging the stuff in my bookshelf. I found books that I almost forgot I had and books that I wish I had forgotten about. I also found my old videogames and consoles (like my pearl blue GBA SP). I also found my old Olympus camera. Old greeting cards were there as well, and reading them again brought a smile to my face. I spent the whole afternoon just organizing my room. In the end, I was tired and hungry.

This activity, although tiring and hunger-inducing, made me realize some things that I was not so sure of before. I have changed…so much. From the books I used to read to the games I used to play, things have really changed. Not to mention I was a hundred times more industrious and diligent back then compared to how I am now. But this doesn’t mean that I’m no longer the same person. I still am, but I’ve grown.

Seeing how much I changed surely stirred something in me. It’s not that I’m glad I changed and that I don’t want to be the old me. Cleaning my room reminded me of the things I’ve forgotten because of all the stresses life gives me. It reminded me of the diligent version of myself who worked really hard for her goals. It reminded me that people are out there, loving and supporting me. It reminded me of the love I have for reading, writing, and drawing. It reminded me that I really can achieve something, if I put all my mind and heart into it in the process. It reminded me that it never is too late to return.

I’ve been gone for so long, and I’m just so glad I’ve finally returned.

a slump

Since last week, I’ve been in a slump. No, wait, not only last week, but the week before that and the week before that…oh hell, life has really been difficult. I’ve been screwing up a lot of my major exams, and I haven’t been doing well at other things. I’ve been finding myself being easily annoyed by other people, and I frequently cry because of frustration. It’s like I’m a having a long period of PMS. I wish it’s just PMS, but it’s not. I’m in a terrible slump, and I badly need motivation. And that’s not my only problem.

I have personal problems and please don’t let me get started on it.

I’ve been tempted a lot of times already to do one evil thing that can hurt somebody else. But if it’s the only way I can be happy, so be it. Until now, I haven’t done that thing because, of course, it’s wrong, and either way there’s no certainty. I’m caught between a dream and a habit—if you know what I mean. Should I chase my long-time dream? Or stick to the habit that’s barely making me happy now. There’s too much at risk. I don’t think my ‘dream’ would want me still, nor do I believe anymore that my ‘habit’ is going to ‘change’ for me.

Please, give me a sign.