Nov 17, 2011

To One Who Hates Group Hugs

I tried to run after you, but then I remembered you wouldn't want me to, anyway. You were never one to be touchy and sappy.

I also didn't know what to say, for I myself have never been the one to give comforting words. So here I am, dedicating this post to you, my dear friend. 

I was in a state of shock when it happened. Sad, I really was. Tears just started falling. And I still couldn't, still can't actually, accept the fact that you'll no longer be with us in early morning duties and late nights in the community. I was really feeling uneasy when our group received the news that we had to say goodbye to one of our group members. If possible, I wanted to just go down on my knees and plead just to avoid having to go through such a difficult event. But, of course, we had to because we had no choice (as always). 

I'm definitely going to miss our little 'concerts'. I'm also going to miss your words of wisdom. Do you remember that time in Ward 1 when I was feeling down and you cheered me up with your words? I'm also definitely going to miss hearing your sometimes, if not always, 'foul' jokes. Haha. And of course, you were always the one who I easily got along with in the group because you're so much fun to be with. 

I know it's not really goodbye. We'll still be seeing each other whether in school or in the vicinity of our school. You were probably one of the reasons why our group always had a great time. You always had funny ideas and you even cooked for us (despite the hotdogs being edematous and all). We can always have other UBEs. I know things won't change. You're still one of us. Maybe not in the clinical areas, or so, but you'll always be part of the group. Always.

Thank you so much for the friendship. I know it wouldn't end here. We're still friends, right? You, me, plus the  eight other people who enjoyed basking in your sunlight. Here's to all the great times our group had. 

You will definitely be missed. 

Here's a virtual hug to you. >:D< 

Sorry. :))

Nov 7, 2011

Because at Night I Think a Lot

I'm  a night person, and now that I'm no longer spending my nights playing Sims 3, I'm here. 

I'm bothered. I thought my future was already planned. And yet, here I am confused as to what I'm doing here. You see, I no longer love what I'm doing. Scratch that. I never loved what I'm doing. Yes, I was not coerced, in any way, by my parents/siblings/cousins/etc to take up this degree program, but I still chose it. Mainly, because I knew how lucrative it will be in the future and that's my main goal in life--to be loaded with so much money that I even have spare money to burn. Don't even start with the usual "Hindi na in demand ang nursing ngayon" talk if you don't want me to peel off the skin of your mother and soak her in lemon juice. I have a lot of connections, and if it weren't for the fact that I've already started my college education here, I'd probably be in America by now.

Moving on, I'm just bothered, troubled, anxious, etc. I can't seem to motivate myself anymore. Thinking of school brings dark clouds in my head, and it's never a good feeling. It feels like whenever I go to Manila, I'm doomed and that something is bound to dampen my spirits or something. I keep telling this to my Mom when she was still here in the Philippines, and she would ask me whether I wanted to shift or transfer to another school because she would allow me to. But seeing how much time and effort I've already put in traversing this road I'm on, I refuse. No matter how much I regret not choosing my dream school, I still chose to remain. She was already asking if I wanted to transfer there. I was crying on the phone with my Mom saying I wanted out of this and that I couldn't stand another minute, no, another millisecond of this crap. But when given the chance to wipe this crap off the butt called 'life', I couldn't make the decision. 

Now I'm just confused. Part of me needs to stay because I really have to. But part of me keeps telling me that I shouldn't be wasting my time. I've gone this far, and I should be grateful that I made it this far in one piece. I'm also thinking of what will possibly happen to me in the future. It's been laid out for me by my sister. I graduate, get a license, and travel abroad with help from my sister and my parents. I'll be staying there for good and finally achieve my dream of living in LA or in New York. 

People are asking me if I still want to pursue Medicine. For now, I don't plan to do so. My priorities have shifted. I don't want to spend any second of my life studying after college graduation. I don't dream of becoming a Doctor. I have only one dream--to be happy. For the past several years I've spent my time studying and being a slave to my education. I just want to break free and do the things I really love. I'm so sick of not being able to live my life how I really want it to. I'm so sick of being bound, obliged, and watched. I'm rebellious in spirit, but I haven't really acted it out. I stick to the color pink when all I really want to be is red. 

You see, I'm not courageous enough.