77th

Flowers, a card, and a whole lot of food.

It was perfect. 

Thank you.

Sundays

Approximately three weeks ago,I decided to believe.

People close to me know that I'm not the usual Catholic.I don't, or didn't, go to church every Sunday.I don't know all the words to all the conventional prayers.I don't know when to stand or kneel during a mass.And hell,I can't live through a mass without the trusty overhead projector telling us all what to say.And thus,as I decided to "return" or to put myself in the "holy" circle once again,I sat there,pondering,asking,"Is this really faith?"

As I sat there,in the chapel that my father himself had designed,I watched people.Some came in their "best" attire,especially the old people.Some came in their usual malling attire.Some sat there deep in thought while some used it as an opportunity to catch up on the weekly gossip.Some didn't even seem like they know where they are.The truth is,going to church to hear mass is not as big a deal to others as it is to some.To some,going to church is needed because,well,they simply just have to.Some are simply dragged in by their family.The kids,for example, do they even know what they're there for? I remember getting pissed off last week by a child who kept crying and getting restless all thoughout the mass.Did that child know what he was into?Some,on the other hand, attend mass to search for answers.Some ask for blessings.Some just seek a better life.

I have nothing against these people and their beliefs.It's just that I'm confused as to whether what I am doing is right.Or if that's really how people are intended to worship the big guy upstairs.We go to church,sing "stuctured" hymns and speak "structured" prayers.As I stood/sat there,I didn't feel like it was all genuine.I didn't feel like I was really getting my message to God (and I know that's what prayers are for).But seriously,it wasn't as much as a spiritual experience as I would have wanted.The readings all seemed foreign to me.The teachings,well,not always,but today's were very questionable.I felt alienated then.I really did.And then I questioned myself,"How should I really feel?" "Why do I not feel completely secure?" "Why don't I feel the passion that most people have towards God?" "Why do I feel empty?"

And now,I sit here at home still thinking of these things.How does one have faith,actually?Why do I feel so devoid of these emotions?Why can't I have complete faith?

I really don't understand or "feel" a lot of things.I have so much to go through,perhaps.I need answers.I need to know how it really feels to have faith.What I have now is a seedling that needs nourishment in order to grow.I know I'm getting there.It may be painfully slow,but I know I'll get there.

Approximately three weeks ago,I decided to believe.


Now, I'm back to where I started from.

the semester that was

I haven't posted anything in a long, long while because, well...there was just too much to blog about that I just decided to not post anything at all to be fair. Now that the semester has ended (OH PLEASE,OH PLEASE) I think it's just right that I blog about it as a whole.

To sum it all up, the previous semester was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. A cliche, I know, but I can't think of a better way to describe it. To be more detailed, it was a rollercoaster ride where my safety belt was malfunctioning and, somehow, somebody's vomit landed on me. Delicious. Not to mention that it was a 4-month long ride and it was freakin' graded.

It was difficult, to say the least, but it was definitely fulfilling. I don't want to rant about it now that it has ended. Instead, I just want to close it and prepare myself for what's in store. I want to thank the people who helped me get through it and to those who made it one hell of a ride.And, of course, I want to thank the semester that was.

Because of it, I now clearly know exactly where I want to be after I graduate.

posted from Bloggeroid

carpe diem. carpe everything.

Someday, I'd like to have "Carpe Diem" tattooed on my wrist. Someday.

While indulging myself in some restaurant's eat-all-you-can promo while studying for an exam, I came upon this sudden realization. I was looking outside, at the people (Yes, I was supposed to be studying). And then, this intense sense of well-being just hit me. With exactly the right feel-good song playing in my iPhone, with all the people having fun outside, it hit me. 

Yes, this is it. 

We only have one life, one go, one chance at living. Do you get it? We don't get another try! (Well, unless you're Hindu and you believe that you'll live again as a locust or something.) This is it. The one shot we get. We won't be able to start again when we die. This is our chance to do the things we want. To make mistakes. To fall in love. To go to jail. To scream "penis" at the top of our lungs while in front of the church. 

You only have one life. Don't be afraid to live it. You'll never know when it will end.

Make it count. 

of dreams

I'm used to having weird dreams. By weird, I mean those dreams that go from frighteningly insane, like being chased down by a hoard of winged creatures or having your whole family turn into flesh-eating monsters, to something extremely out of character, like cheating on my partner. I'm definitely sure the latter is more unsettling. 

Ever since college, I have, occasionally, had dreams of being with or being romantically involved with guys who are not my boyfriend. Weird, I know. It's like my "dream" self is a slut who gets too antsy so she flirts with any guy she sees. My dreams would usually show me going on a date with other guys in the mall or in parks--nothing too intimate (Thank God). I started having these dreams again just this June. It started to bother me because it was always about this same guy. I think I had two or three dreams about that same guy last June. (Disclaimer: Never has this guy crossed my mind for ages!) I shared the dream with one of my roommates who, apparently, has some knowledge about this kind of stuff. And yes, she interpreted it for me. According to her, dreaming of such things somehow serves as a forecast of the future--the distant future, to be exact. While she was saying that, I suddenly started crying. I cried because I was pretty sure that I don't want to end up with anybody else but my current boyfriend. No past crush or flame can ever change how I feel about him, and I'm sure of that. When my roommate saw me crying, she said that it was very sweet of me to feel that way. She then told me that, maybe, it's different for all of us, or that dreams may not be as universal. I wish it really isn't.

Today, I woke up from another dream about a different guy, a guy who had a significant role in my past (emphasis on past). I dreamt, again, of cheating on my boyfriend. It felt very different, of course. Because, this time in my dream, I had enough conscience to turn the other guy down because of the love I feel for my boyfriend. I guess my dreams are there not to forecast the future, but to show me my "what if's" or the "what could have been's". Either way, my dreams only proved one thing--that I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the person I'm with. I'm enjoying every minute of being with him, and I'm glad that it's him I ended up with. With him, the future is clear--that I can see myself loving nobody but him for all of my life. 

RH

I support the RH bill. 

I used to be just a "passive" supporter. Liking Facebook posts about it and agreeing with others were enough for me. But something pushed me to write about it. This:

YES to saved sex. NO to safe sex. 

First of all, let me say that I'm very disappointed. What you see above is just ignorant and irrational. NO to safe sex? Does it mean that having unsafe or unprotected sex is advised? You don't say?

I'm not fully knowledgeable of the reasons why some people choose to go against it. Most of the people from the "other" side of the argument choose to be mum about it when asked, but they still express their antagonism of the bill. Yes, they say that they are "against" it, but when asked why, they don't deliver, or they do, but not adequately. One of the most famous reasons why they're against it is that, apparently, the RH Bill kills. I don't think that's utterly possible unless somebody has ever been murdered with a condom. The bill supports health care above all else, most specifically for women and for the mothers who need it the most. Being a student nurse, I know how being a mother endangers a woman's health especially during the time of pregnancy and delivery. Pregnancy is not an easy task, and delivery is not any less difficult. It's true that when giving birth, the mother is placed in a limbo between living and dying. In fact, because of the demands of pregnancy, a woman needs at least three years to recover from the stresses of pregnancy before she becomes pregnant again. This is contrary to what we're seeing nowadays. My professor shared a story about a mother who had 13 children. What's more surprising is that this woman lives in the streets with her family. How they managed to do it is still a mystery to us all, but what's obvious is that they wouldn't be able to support those children. Imagine just having a "kariton" as a "house" and having 13 children. Just imagine. Most importantly, the RH bill also addresses UN's 5th Millennium Development Goal which is to improve maternal health. In addition, it also plays a part in supporting the Magna Carta of Women signed in 2009. If caring for women's health is wrong, then I don't know what is right anymore. What angers me the most is that people from the "other" side ALWAYS associate the RH bill with abortion. Nowhere in the bill does it say that abortion is legal or even encouraged. In the bill, abortion is written off as illegal. You read that right. The bill considers it illegal. So those who are equating the bill with abortion must take a few minutes of their time to actually read the bill instead of just going blindly going with the flow and shouting "RH bill is against life". The same goes for those who support it. Read it first. Know the facts and be informed. Do not just take a stand for the sake of being "IN" and appearing socially aware.

Morality is another aspect tackled by the heated arguments between those against it and those supporting it. People from the other side say that it will only lead to promiscuity and to an increased incidence of premarital sex which is a big NO-NO for the religious moralists.  I, myself, don't want to rush things because I know there's a right time for everything. It's my decision not to be sexually involved, and I made it on my own volition. The RH bill does not force us to have sex . It seeks to inform the youth because, believe it or not, most of the youth don't have enough knowledge about it. Being knowledgeable about it won't lead to promiscuity. Instead, it will serve as a guide in making smart decisions. Don't they know that the "morality" they are protecting died a long, long time ago? They're trying to make it appear like we are saints in the state that we are in right now. News flash, it's all just a lie. They refuse to acknowledge the fact that most people now have sex before marriage. In fact, some don't even get married at all.  In this case, safe sex is advocated because of different reasons. One is, of course, to prevent the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases that can be life-threatening, and to prevent unwanted pregnancies. People have sexual drives, and it's normal. What these moralists are failing to consider is our humanity. We're not built to be celibate. Now they are saying that the prevention of conception is murder. Then would they rather have a family of 13 children who cannot even afford a roof over their heads? They care so much about the "unborn" child that they neglect the rights of those who are living. Then I think it would be better if we all crawled back to our mother's uterus. 

"There are more pressing issues that need to be addressed." Why? Just because we're addressing one problem does not mean we're neglecting all the other problems. And isn't our growing population one of the factors why we're having the other problems as well? We're having shortages everywhere because of our burgeoning population. We can't even educate all the children in this country because we don't have enough classrooms and manpower. And isn't that where it all stems out from? We're trying to tackle our problems one at a time. Addressing one problem can never be enough. Our problems are interrelated, as we try to tackle one, we also tackle the others one way or another. There is no such thing as a pressing issue unless there are actually groups of aliens making smoothies out of  and raping the citizens of North Cotabato. Now THAT is an emergent and pressing issue.

I have many things on my mind, but I'd rather discuss  it  personally with whoever cares to listen. I also don't want to lengthen this post even more. More so, I'm waiting for sensible viewpoints from the other side because as of now, all I'm getting is uninformed rants and accusations not to mention stupid slogans. As I mentioned before, people should really understand what the bill really is about before they go around choosing a side and defending it. Seriously. If there's another pressing issue that needs to be addressed, I think it's ignorance and the interference of the church with the running of the state.  

I support the RH bill. 

rediscovering

Lately, I've been listening to my favorite foreign bands such as My Chemical Romance and All-American Rejects. I've actually been listening to Taylor Swift. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much I've been missing. 

I learned of this gig last June when Una Buendia, Ely's daughter, tweeted about it. Immediately, I got the details, paid for the tickets, and there, I got vouchers for me and my boyfriend. We've actually been looking forward to this event since June given that we both are solid Eraserheads fans. The announcements specified that he'd be performing his greatest hits, and we knew, from that point, that we should expect A LOT of Eraserheads songs. 

On the day itself, we were oozing with excitement. My boyfriend even cut class just to be able to go to the venue earlier. But because of the traffic and the very, very long line in the MRT, we weren't able to get to the venue as early as we wanted to. Still, because I "inadvertently" cut the long, long cue, we managed to score a pretty decent spot near the stage.When Ely started playing, I almost peed in my pants! Well, not actually, but yes, I was very, very hyped. I squealed like a baby whenever a personal favorite of mine was played. Actually, I consider almost all of his songs as my personal favorite, but there are those that are very close to my heart like Lightyears, Maselang Bahaghari, and Huwag Kang Matakot. And, of course, I held my boyfriend's hand a little bit tighter as Ang Huling El Bimbo played. ;)

My Idol :)

With Ken. Thanks, Gela and Butch, for the picture! :) 

Me ;)

As it ended, we were in denial. My boyfriend and I kept saying that there's going to be more, but as the crowd withdrew from the stage and as the number of people in the area dwindled, we had to face the truth. But being the persistent youth that we are, we managed to stay behind with hopes of seeing Ely one more time. We stood there for about an hour. While waiting, we saw many of Ely's relatives and friends. I wanted to have a picture taken with them, but I think I got too shy. Una Buendia passed by A MILLION TIMES but I didn't have the guts to approach her. I even saw Eon wearing a hoodie and a weird monster mask. After an hour of standing, acting cool, and interpreting the bouncers' actions, we finally caught sight of Ely as he left his dugout wearing a black shirt and a black cap. He was escorted by his family and by his current flame, Shawn Yao. I felt like a paparazzi as my boyfriend took pictures. Actually, we were the only ones taking pictures. Paparazzi much. Moving on, we left as soon as Ely's gang left Hardrock Cafe. We watched as Ely's gang boarded the designated vehicle. Finally, we were homebound. 

The paparazzi-ish picture

Last night was very significant in many ways. First, it brought back the old songs that I've almost forgotten, or those that I've simply left in an old box in the attic of my memory. It made me remember a lot of things that I haven't thought of in a long time. It made me remember who I was: this simple girl who loved everything Eraserheads. This simple girl who listened to their songs for encouragement, for inspiration, for happiness, and for any other reason. And yes, it reminded me that I'm still that girl, and that I've simply gotten lost somewhere along the way. Thankfully, last night, I managed to get back on track again. Though I may not listen to their songs as often as I did before, their songs will always have this magical effect on my heart whenever I listen to them. But, most importantly, because of last night...

muli kong natikman ang langit.