Sundays

Approximately three weeks ago,I decided to believe.

People close to me know that I'm not the usual Catholic.I don't, or didn't, go to church every Sunday.I don't know all the words to all the conventional prayers.I don't know when to stand or kneel during a mass.And hell,I can't live through a mass without the trusty overhead projector telling us all what to say.And thus,as I decided to "return" or to put myself in the "holy" circle once again,I sat there,pondering,asking,"Is this really faith?"

As I sat there,in the chapel that my father himself had designed,I watched people.Some came in their "best" attire,especially the old people.Some came in their usual malling attire.Some sat there deep in thought while some used it as an opportunity to catch up on the weekly gossip.Some didn't even seem like they know where they are.The truth is,going to church to hear mass is not as big a deal to others as it is to some.To some,going to church is needed because,well,they simply just have to.Some are simply dragged in by their family.The kids,for example, do they even know what they're there for? I remember getting pissed off last week by a child who kept crying and getting restless all thoughout the mass.Did that child know what he was into?Some,on the other hand, attend mass to search for answers.Some ask for blessings.Some just seek a better life.

I have nothing against these people and their beliefs.It's just that I'm confused as to whether what I am doing is right.Or if that's really how people are intended to worship the big guy upstairs.We go to church,sing "stuctured" hymns and speak "structured" prayers.As I stood/sat there,I didn't feel like it was all genuine.I didn't feel like I was really getting my message to God (and I know that's what prayers are for).But seriously,it wasn't as much as a spiritual experience as I would have wanted.The readings all seemed foreign to me.The teachings,well,not always,but today's were very questionable.I felt alienated then.I really did.And then I questioned myself,"How should I really feel?" "Why do I not feel completely secure?" "Why don't I feel the passion that most people have towards God?" "Why do I feel empty?"

And now,I sit here at home still thinking of these things.How does one have faith,actually?Why do I feel so devoid of these emotions?Why can't I have complete faith?

I really don't understand or "feel" a lot of things.I have so much to go through,perhaps.I need answers.I need to know how it really feels to have faith.What I have now is a seedling that needs nourishment in order to grow.I know I'm getting there.It may be painfully slow,but I know I'll get there.

Approximately three weeks ago,I decided to believe.


Now, I'm back to where I started from.

the semester that was

I haven't posted anything in a long, long while because, well...there was just too much to blog about that I just decided to not post anything at all to be fair. Now that the semester has ended (OH PLEASE,OH PLEASE) I think it's just right that I blog about it as a whole.

To sum it all up, the previous semester was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. A cliche, I know, but I can't think of a better way to describe it. To be more detailed, it was a rollercoaster ride where my safety belt was malfunctioning and, somehow, somebody's vomit landed on me. Delicious. Not to mention that it was a 4-month long ride and it was freakin' graded.

It was difficult, to say the least, but it was definitely fulfilling. I don't want to rant about it now that it has ended. Instead, I just want to close it and prepare myself for what's in store. I want to thank the people who helped me get through it and to those who made it one hell of a ride.And, of course, I want to thank the semester that was.

Because of it, I now clearly know exactly where I want to be after I graduate.

posted from Bloggeroid

carpe diem. carpe everything.

Someday, I'd like to have "Carpe Diem" tattooed on my wrist. Someday.

While indulging myself in some restaurant's eat-all-you-can promo while studying for an exam, I came upon this sudden realization. I was looking outside, at the people (Yes, I was supposed to be studying). And then, this intense sense of well-being just hit me. With exactly the right feel-good song playing in my iPhone, with all the people having fun outside, it hit me. 

Yes, this is it. 

We only have one life, one go, one chance at living. Do you get it? We don't get another try! (Well, unless you're Hindu and you believe that you'll live again as a locust or something.) This is it. The one shot we get. We won't be able to start again when we die. This is our chance to do the things we want. To make mistakes. To fall in love. To go to jail. To scream "penis" at the top of our lungs while in front of the church. 

You only have one life. Don't be afraid to live it. You'll never know when it will end.

Make it count. 

of dreams

I'm used to having weird dreams. By weird, I mean those dreams that go from frighteningly insane, like being chased down by a hoard of winged creatures or having your whole family turn into flesh-eating monsters, to something extremely out of character, like cheating on my partner. I'm definitely sure the latter is more unsettling. 

Ever since college, I have, occasionally, had dreams of being with or being romantically involved with guys who are not my boyfriend. Weird, I know. It's like my "dream" self is a slut who gets too antsy so she flirts with any guy she sees. My dreams would usually show me going on a date with other guys in the mall or in parks--nothing too intimate (Thank God). I started having these dreams again just this June. It started to bother me because it was always about this same guy. I think I had two or three dreams about that same guy last June. (Disclaimer: Never has this guy crossed my mind for ages!) I shared the dream with one of my roommates who, apparently, has some knowledge about this kind of stuff. And yes, she interpreted it for me. According to her, dreaming of such things somehow serves as a forecast of the future--the distant future, to be exact. While she was saying that, I suddenly started crying. I cried because I was pretty sure that I don't want to end up with anybody else but my current boyfriend. No past crush or flame can ever change how I feel about him, and I'm sure of that. When my roommate saw me crying, she said that it was very sweet of me to feel that way. She then told me that, maybe, it's different for all of us, or that dreams may not be as universal. I wish it really isn't.

Today, I woke up from another dream about a different guy, a guy who had a significant role in my past (emphasis on past). I dreamt, again, of cheating on my boyfriend. It felt very different, of course. Because, this time in my dream, I had enough conscience to turn the other guy down because of the love I feel for my boyfriend. I guess my dreams are there not to forecast the future, but to show me my "what if's" or the "what could have been's". Either way, my dreams only proved one thing--that I wouldn't have it any other way. I love the person I'm with. I'm enjoying every minute of being with him, and I'm glad that it's him I ended up with. With him, the future is clear--that I can see myself loving nobody but him for all of my life. 

RH

I support the RH bill. 

I used to be just a "passive" supporter. Liking Facebook posts about it and agreeing with others were enough for me. But something pushed me to write about it. This:

YES to saved sex. NO to safe sex. 

First of all, let me say that I'm very disappointed. What you see above is just ignorant and irrational. NO to safe sex? Does it mean that having unsafe or unprotected sex is advised? You don't say?

I'm not fully knowledgeable of the reasons why some people choose to go against it. Most of the people from the "other" side of the argument choose to be mum about it when asked, but they still express their antagonism of the bill. Yes, they say that they are "against" it, but when asked why, they don't deliver, or they do, but not adequately. One of the most famous reasons why they're against it is that, apparently, the RH Bill kills. I don't think that's utterly possible unless somebody has ever been murdered with a condom. The bill supports health care above all else, most specifically for women and for the mothers who need it the most. Being a student nurse, I know how being a mother endangers a woman's health especially during the time of pregnancy and delivery. Pregnancy is not an easy task, and delivery is not any less difficult. It's true that when giving birth, the mother is placed in a limbo between living and dying. In fact, because of the demands of pregnancy, a woman needs at least three years to recover from the stresses of pregnancy before she becomes pregnant again. This is contrary to what we're seeing nowadays. My professor shared a story about a mother who had 13 children. What's more surprising is that this woman lives in the streets with her family. How they managed to do it is still a mystery to us all, but what's obvious is that they wouldn't be able to support those children. Imagine just having a "kariton" as a "house" and having 13 children. Just imagine. Most importantly, the RH bill also addresses UN's 5th Millennium Development Goal which is to improve maternal health. In addition, it also plays a part in supporting the Magna Carta of Women signed in 2009. If caring for women's health is wrong, then I don't know what is right anymore. What angers me the most is that people from the "other" side ALWAYS associate the RH bill with abortion. Nowhere in the bill does it say that abortion is legal or even encouraged. In the bill, abortion is written off as illegal. You read that right. The bill considers it illegal. So those who are equating the bill with abortion must take a few minutes of their time to actually read the bill instead of just going blindly going with the flow and shouting "RH bill is against life". The same goes for those who support it. Read it first. Know the facts and be informed. Do not just take a stand for the sake of being "IN" and appearing socially aware.

Morality is another aspect tackled by the heated arguments between those against it and those supporting it. People from the other side say that it will only lead to promiscuity and to an increased incidence of premarital sex which is a big NO-NO for the religious moralists.  I, myself, don't want to rush things because I know there's a right time for everything. It's my decision not to be sexually involved, and I made it on my own volition. The RH bill does not force us to have sex . It seeks to inform the youth because, believe it or not, most of the youth don't have enough knowledge about it. Being knowledgeable about it won't lead to promiscuity. Instead, it will serve as a guide in making smart decisions. Don't they know that the "morality" they are protecting died a long, long time ago? They're trying to make it appear like we are saints in the state that we are in right now. News flash, it's all just a lie. They refuse to acknowledge the fact that most people now have sex before marriage. In fact, some don't even get married at all.  In this case, safe sex is advocated because of different reasons. One is, of course, to prevent the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases that can be life-threatening, and to prevent unwanted pregnancies. People have sexual drives, and it's normal. What these moralists are failing to consider is our humanity. We're not built to be celibate. Now they are saying that the prevention of conception is murder. Then would they rather have a family of 13 children who cannot even afford a roof over their heads? They care so much about the "unborn" child that they neglect the rights of those who are living. Then I think it would be better if we all crawled back to our mother's uterus. 

"There are more pressing issues that need to be addressed." Why? Just because we're addressing one problem does not mean we're neglecting all the other problems. And isn't our growing population one of the factors why we're having the other problems as well? We're having shortages everywhere because of our burgeoning population. We can't even educate all the children in this country because we don't have enough classrooms and manpower. And isn't that where it all stems out from? We're trying to tackle our problems one at a time. Addressing one problem can never be enough. Our problems are interrelated, as we try to tackle one, we also tackle the others one way or another. There is no such thing as a pressing issue unless there are actually groups of aliens making smoothies out of  and raping the citizens of North Cotabato. Now THAT is an emergent and pressing issue.

I have many things on my mind, but I'd rather discuss  it  personally with whoever cares to listen. I also don't want to lengthen this post even more. More so, I'm waiting for sensible viewpoints from the other side because as of now, all I'm getting is uninformed rants and accusations not to mention stupid slogans. As I mentioned before, people should really understand what the bill really is about before they go around choosing a side and defending it. Seriously. If there's another pressing issue that needs to be addressed, I think it's ignorance and the interference of the church with the running of the state.  

I support the RH bill. 

rediscovering

Lately, I've been listening to my favorite foreign bands such as My Chemical Romance and All-American Rejects. I've actually been listening to Taylor Swift. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much I've been missing. 

I learned of this gig last June when Una Buendia, Ely's daughter, tweeted about it. Immediately, I got the details, paid for the tickets, and there, I got vouchers for me and my boyfriend. We've actually been looking forward to this event since June given that we both are solid Eraserheads fans. The announcements specified that he'd be performing his greatest hits, and we knew, from that point, that we should expect A LOT of Eraserheads songs. 

On the day itself, we were oozing with excitement. My boyfriend even cut class just to be able to go to the venue earlier. But because of the traffic and the very, very long line in the MRT, we weren't able to get to the venue as early as we wanted to. Still, because I "inadvertently" cut the long, long cue, we managed to score a pretty decent spot near the stage.When Ely started playing, I almost peed in my pants! Well, not actually, but yes, I was very, very hyped. I squealed like a baby whenever a personal favorite of mine was played. Actually, I consider almost all of his songs as my personal favorite, but there are those that are very close to my heart like Lightyears, Maselang Bahaghari, and Huwag Kang Matakot. And, of course, I held my boyfriend's hand a little bit tighter as Ang Huling El Bimbo played. ;)

My Idol :)

With Ken. Thanks, Gela and Butch, for the picture! :) 

Me ;)

As it ended, we were in denial. My boyfriend and I kept saying that there's going to be more, but as the crowd withdrew from the stage and as the number of people in the area dwindled, we had to face the truth. But being the persistent youth that we are, we managed to stay behind with hopes of seeing Ely one more time. We stood there for about an hour. While waiting, we saw many of Ely's relatives and friends. I wanted to have a picture taken with them, but I think I got too shy. Una Buendia passed by A MILLION TIMES but I didn't have the guts to approach her. I even saw Eon wearing a hoodie and a weird monster mask. After an hour of standing, acting cool, and interpreting the bouncers' actions, we finally caught sight of Ely as he left his dugout wearing a black shirt and a black cap. He was escorted by his family and by his current flame, Shawn Yao. I felt like a paparazzi as my boyfriend took pictures. Actually, we were the only ones taking pictures. Paparazzi much. Moving on, we left as soon as Ely's gang left Hardrock Cafe. We watched as Ely's gang boarded the designated vehicle. Finally, we were homebound. 

The paparazzi-ish picture

Last night was very significant in many ways. First, it brought back the old songs that I've almost forgotten, or those that I've simply left in an old box in the attic of my memory. It made me remember a lot of things that I haven't thought of in a long time. It made me remember who I was: this simple girl who loved everything Eraserheads. This simple girl who listened to their songs for encouragement, for inspiration, for happiness, and for any other reason. And yes, it reminded me that I'm still that girl, and that I've simply gotten lost somewhere along the way. Thankfully, last night, I managed to get back on track again. Though I may not listen to their songs as often as I did before, their songs will always have this magical effect on my heart whenever I listen to them. But, most importantly, because of last night...

muli kong natikman ang langit. 

bum life

It's our accidental free week because our professor has business outside of the college for the whole week. Yahoo. No, not exactly. Because it means that we have to go on duty next week instead of having a free week before we make our transition into Psysch nursing. Oh well, at least I get to enjoy this weather which is kinda erratic, actually. Moving on, I've been bumming around and not minding my responsibilities. I even coerced my roommates into watching The Healing today. So yeah, I'm really enjoying not having anything to do, or, simply ignoring the things that I have to do. Cheers to the bums out there. Yay! And sorry if I sound like a surfer. I can't seem to write intelligently as of the moment considering that I'm a bum. A legit bum. 

the V issue

Twice, yesterday, I was compelled to talk about this issue--the virginity issue. First of all, I want to make it clear to all of you that yes, I still am, and I plan to stay this way until I walk down the aisle with the love of my life. 

First of all, I'm disappointed. Just because we've been together for so long doesn't mean we've been doing it. I think it was a misconception by one of my friends who thought it would be normal for my boyfriend and I to actually do it considering that we've been together for almost 6 years now. But it's still a big no-no for me and for him. Why? Well, we just don't think we need to. We're having a great time without having to break the rules. We enjoy each other's company without being sexual, and yes, we're completely happy even after 6 years of being abstinent together. I just don't see the point of having to take such a big risk. Besides, my boyfriend's religiosity goes through the roof. Staying pure until marriage is that important to him, and I'm glad that it is. 

What really prompted me to write this is that I heard that somewhere out there, there are actually people who are misjudging us. Worse, they bring this misjudgment to other people. I may not be directly affected, but yes, I'm the other half of the couple. So what you say about my boyfriend affects me, unless you've actually seen him with another woman. And NEWS FLASH, my boyfriend does not kiss and tell. I've met you once or twice, and I thought you were OK. It turns out, you're not. So pray to the highest heavens that you never EVER cross paths with me again, or something very, very bad will happen to you. Now, scram. 

Pushed

Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. I learned this the hard way.

Do you remember my previous post? Well, if you don't, you can just scroll down and it will stare you straight in the eye. In that post, I was asking for "the push" to motivate me to work harder. Guess what, I got it. I got pushed. I almost got pushed right off the edge of wherever I am now, and it was nasty. I still don't know where I am, whether I've fallen off the clip or I've managed to survive and hang on. I don't want to divulge names and details because I don't want to get in any more trouble. Let's just say that I had a hard time last week because somebody "pushed" me. Yes, she "pushed" me into working harder and into not sleeping at all just to do what she wanted me to do. Because if I didn't, I'm pretty sure I'd have go through all that stuff again. Cryptic, I know. But I want to be safe. And right now, I just want to vent out all these emotions. I've kind of gotten over it already, actually, but it's still bothering me. I still don't know where I stand, and it's driving me crazy! Well, not exactly, but, you get the point. I know I shouldn't be worrying about it now because it's all over. Worrying about it will just make me feel worse. It wouldn't actually improve the situation.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but all I can do now is pray.

The Push

I've just finished season 1 of Awkward, a TV series by MTV, plus two more episodes from season 2. Jenna, the protagonist, blogs every night and types her heart out. That's why I'm here. Jenna inspired me.

I'm in some kind of a slump right now. I think it's too early to be burnt out, but considering that we had a sem's worth of lecture squeezed into three days and had our final exam on the 4th, makes me think it's really not too early for a burnout. But I guess it's not just that. I've been through two clinical areas already which means there's only four more left. I'm not yet THAT tired, but right now I'm really lacking motivation.

It's lonely, really. I'm in some sort of a rollercoaster ride. One minute I'm happy, another, I'm not. Last night was probably one of the highlights of my week, and no, I'm not going to say anything about what happened. My lips are sealed.

What I need right now is a "push". I'm not really stressed out or something. No, scratch that, I AM stressed, but that's not the reason why I'm feeling like this. It's just that, I've gotten so fed up with the stress that I'm already slacking off now. I've grown immune to the feeling that not a single cell in my body is panicking. I'm slacking off. Big time. I just want to feel energized. I want to be full of vitality. I need that one large "push" that will send me reading all the books that I have to and into preparing for the reports that are due next week. Come on.

Push me.

because tweeting about it is never enough

If you're following me on Twitter, or if you're a Facebook contact of mine, you probably already know about my stand on the Lady Gaga issue that's hitting the religious community like an anti-Christ. 

First of all, I'd like to admit that yes, I am a fan. Not so big a fan, but the admiration is there. Not only of her music or the out-of-this-world music videos am I a fan of. I'm also a fan of what she stands for and, of course, of who she really is behind all the make up--and the meat. 

When she first became mainstream here in the Philippine music scene, I was not aware for those were the days when our cable was problematic and listening to the radio wasn't an option. That was the time when I was still drowning in OPM and Taylor Swift. Poker Face didn't really tickle my fancy for I didn't really have a thing for party/dance songs or whatever you call those ridiculously upbeat and infectious songs (though I still don't listen to such up to now). But it was when I heard more of her that I became a fan. I enjoyed listening to her songs and watching her videos despite the criticism for her utterly bold ideas. I enjoyed watching her perform live on award shows because doing so just leaves me in awe. I enjoyed looking at pictures of what she wore on the red carpet. Most often than not, all eyes were on her because of her outlandish ideas for a dress (e.g. the meat dress). But it wasn't until Born This Way and You and I that I acknowledged myself as a true-blue fan. 

And now, as a fan of hers, I think it's time that I lay out all my cards for her. 

People who think of her songs as satanic or evil are probably just deaf or mentally retarded. I heard somebody on the TV who's against Lady Gaga performing here in the Philippines say that the song Born This Way is actually about encouraging people to be criminals. First of all, Born This Way, for me, is one of her best songs so far. It's about being proud of who you really are regardless of race, appearance, sexuality, etc. It's not about killing people or pillaging villages! It's about being comfortable in your own skin, and accepting others who are also different. It's about not giving a damn about what others may say just because you don't fit in this cookie-cutter society. It's about finding beauty within yourself and letting it shine. It's about self-acceptance. It's about loving every inch of ourselves. It's about our freedom to be ourselves. In the society that we live in, people are easily judged by their appearance, color, or their sexual preference. I believe that this song speaks to those people who have been ripped off of their freedom to truly be themselves. Unfortunately, those moralists don't believe in this and would rather have citizens who are judging, scared,  and are feigning heterosexuality. 

Born This Way is just one of her songs that have been misinterpreted by those moralists. My message to these moralists is to not take things literally. Just because the song was titled Judas doesn't mean it forces you to worship Satan or to be a modern-day Judas. 

 

Then there's the exposure issue. They think it's immoral that she goes on stage almost naked and covering only her lady parts. Well, these moralists have definitely not gone to Boracay nor have they watched shows like Wowowee where women wearing skimpy clothes are dancing in the background most of the time. And my message, again, to these moralists is a quote from Vice Ganda, "Ang maduming isipan ang nagbibigay ng maduming kahulugan sa isang salita." To a dirty mind, anything is malicious--even a harmless little bunny. 

In addition, nobody is forcing those moralists to watch the concert. If they think it's too "evil", then they shouldn't watch it, and just leave the floor to those who are dying to see her perform live--just like myself. But unfortunately, I don't have the time and, sadly, the money. 

I can go on all night saying what I have to say about this issue, but I think that this post might end up too long to be interesting. As a conclusion, what I would like these moralists to know is that there are always two sides to any story. This goes the same with people. Just because she names one of her songs Judas or just because she wears skimpy clothes to her concerts does not mean she worships the devil. Don't they know how charitable Lady Gaga is? Don't they know that she always prays backstage before her performances? Come on, moralists, if you're really the "holy warriors" that you claim you are, why are you doing this to one of your sisters? She's also a daughter of God just like everybody else. 

Do good, "they" say. But truth be told, what "they" are doing is nowhere near that. Look who's the devil now.

I'm a fan, and I support her. I may not be in the concert physically, but I'll always be one of her little monsters. 

Thank you, Lady Gaga, for entertaining us with your music and for giving us the courage to be ourselves. I hope to see you someday. It may be in another country when I'm old enough or when I'm "loaded" enough to dole out some cash for a VIP ticket. I just know it. 

I just know that someday, I'll be on the edge of glory, too. 

together again

Yesterday, my Dad got a call from one of my aunts in his side of the family. She was inviting him to my grandmother's birthday celebration the next day. He just laughed. He got off the phone and asked me and my sister if we'd like to go. Of course, we said yes.

A few years back, such a simple family gathering ended up with tears and one sibling running after the other. I don't want to expound on that anymore, but it's pretty obvious that things have not been okay between my Dad and his family for several years. Feelings and resentment left unsaid, tears, and all that drama have maintained this gaping void between them. But yes, after years of reflecting and cooling down, this gaping void has been diminished, if not totally eradicated. 

With our driver in tow (because my Dad has problems driving at night due to his declining vision), we went to Cubao for my grandmother's 89th birthday celebration. She'll be turning 89 on the 7th, but the family decided that it would be better if they had the gathering today to make sure everybody could come. With everybody, they meant everybody. As we stepped inside my grandmother's house, all eyes were on us. But those weren't the cold, glassy, and suspecting stare you get from doing something wrong. Those stares were more like the warm and welcoming stare you get from your family after returning home from a long journey. Yes, from that moment, I felt it. As they approached us, giving one beso to one aunt and doing the respectful mano to an uncle, we made our way back into the family my Dad has so long turned his back on.

It all started from there. The usual "Ang laki mo na" and the "Dalaga na si Joyce" welcomed me. Of course, I expected to hear that from them. The last time they saw me was when I was still in high school. Questions were then asked about my studies and other stuff. They were even asking about my love life! I surprised them with my quick and dignified response when they asked me if I had a boyfriend already. But it seems like one of my aunts was already very updated through Facebook. They were really open about things. And I loved it. They were old people, and yet, they were very cool to talk to. I enjoyed it. My cousins were there, too. I also got to talk to them though they wanted to remain silent most of the time. I was able to converse more with my aunts and uncles. Wait, does that mean I'm really old now? 

My Dad with my three aunts :) (two of them are doctors!)

My Dad, my aunts, and my grandparents 

With my Dad, cousins, aunts, and grandparents

Food (a lot of it) was consumed, pictures were taken, and stories were shared. But, sadly, we had to leave before sundown given that we live farther south and our driver apparently has difficulty driving at night as well. (For the last part, I think my Dad invented that just to leave the party early.) Before leaving, we went to my grandparents' room to say goodbye. My grandfather's really weak already. He's a war veteran. And I'm really proud to say that he's one of the few soldiers who survived the infamous Death March back in the Japanese era. Now he's just lying in bed. He can't even see well anymore. We had to introduce ourselves just so he'd know that we're there. My grandmother, despite not being able to walk anymore, is still kind of strong. She can still see and her memory's still really, really sharp. She's still very talkative, too! So there, we said goodbye to them with hugs and kisses. My grandmother insisted that we should go there more often. My Dad just said yes. 

My Grandma blowing the candle on her birthday cake

With some of my cousins (From L-R: ML, JM, Me, Tala, Criselda)

With ML 

As we made our way out of the house and to our car, all of them (except for my grandparents, of course) accompanied us. It took us about 15 more minutes before we could actually leave because people were still chatting with each other. And after the final 15 minutes, we were on our way--southbound.

I had so much fun today. I felt really good talking to my aunts, uncles, and other relatives. Everything about the bitter past has been forgotten, and only the good remain. I was sad that we had to go early. I really wanted to stay longer. Maybe on the next family gathering, we'll be there, too.

As we made our way home, I reflected on the day's events and on how glad I am about this reconciliation between my Dad and his family. I'm glad my Dad decided to forget about the past and just let things be better for him, for his siblings, and for his family. I think he's happy with this, too.

But I'll never forget the tears I saw rolling down my Dad's cheeks as he hugged and kissed his mother goodbye.

life's a beach

Last weekend, I was at the beach! Hooray! Well, that sounds kind of weird since I don't really like beaches. Wait, let me correct myself. I used to not like beaches. I've always told people that when it's hot, I'd rather go somewhere cold like Baguio, Alaska, or inside the fridge. And I also do not see the point of wanting to get your body fried under the sun when you've been complaining about the heat non-stop. Also, I don't understand why people wear bikinis. People are practically in their undies when wearing those bikinis, and yet, when they ARE actually just wearing undies, they wouldn't even dare go out of the room---let alone walk around the beach in them. Even though I have such issues regarding the beach (and the scantily clad people walking around the beach), I must say, I like beaches now. 

Taken from the floating cottage

 I was invited to go by my sister since her husband's side of the family planned to go on an outing, and they're kind of low in the people department. What I meant was, they could use some more people to go with them since they're such a small family. So there, my niece and I tagged along. My boyfriend was supposed to come with us too, but due to a prior engagement, he couldn't. Sad. I could have had more fun if he was there, too. :( Moving on, early morning last Saturday, we made our way to Batangas with a guide to Laiya, Batangas my sister had procured from the internet. The travel was quick. I remember just putting my earphones on and drowning to the sound of my current LSS, Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance (my current background music for this blog), and then dozing off. The next thing I knew, we were in Brgy. Puting Buhangin in Batangas.

I had prepared for that outing! Well, not really. I planned to reduce my food intake just so I wouldn't look like a big fat slob while wearing the bikini top and shorts combo that my sister and my niece prepared for me. But of course, I couldn't do that. I ate normally, even more. But at least I bought some sunblock lotion for my body and for my face. I can't really risk roasting my skin because my skin burns easily. And based on experience, a sunburn is probably the last thing I want to have as a souvenir from the beach--next to a shark bite. 

Upon reaching Laiya, we looked for a nice and affordable resort that can house all 15 of us. Of course, it wasn't easy. We had to go through different resorts with incredibly ugly names like "Mr. Bean" and "Mura Lang". Just imagine the agony if we had decided to stay in one of those stupidly named resorts.

Friend: Wow, Joyce, you went to Laiya? Saang resort kayo?

Joyce: Umm...sa Mura Lang.

Friend: Aah ok, Saan nga?

Joyce: Sa Mura Lang nga.

Friend: Oo nga, pero anong pangalan?

Joyce: Die, friend, die.

Fortunately, the scenario above never happened because we were able to find a nice and affordable resort with a respectable name--The Mangrove Farm Resort. (Nice name, huh) The Mr.Bean resort turned out to be really ugly and it was a freakin' 200 METERS AWAY FROM THE BEACH! That meant we had to walk through the wilderness from our cabin to the beach. And that was a major turn-off. What if there were bandits or lions or rapists or leprechauns in those woods? NEVER. We didn't even consider checking out Mura Lang beach resort. 

So there, having settled down and all, we ate lunch and headed to the beach. It was still too hot by that time so I just sat on a comfy chair, taking pictures of everything--even my legs. My niece, my sister, and most of the other people there were already having the time of their lives in the water. Negro, please.

Lounging at the shore, staying away from the sun

Olyn, my niece, swimming

The picture I took of my legs

The boobs with inverted nipples

After a few hours of watching other people swim, making sand boobies, and taking pictures, they decided to go back to the cabin for lunch--again. And so, after that, I took a nap. Upon waking up, it wasn't as hot anymore so I decided that it was time for me to get in the water and feel like a ridiculously hot mermaid.

A true stolen shot (taken by my sister)

The water was really shallow because of the low tide at that time. I had no problem with that. I can't swim to save my life. And knowing that I'm too smart (and tall) to drown in waist-high water made the beach more comfortable for me. We took pictures while in the water. My sister had an idea of kneeling so that the water would hide her, ahem, stomach, allowing her to look skinnier in pictures. Though I can proudly say that I didn't have to. HAHA. And even if I knelt, the water would still be too shallow to hide my waist. More HAHA. 

Stef (my niece), Me, Olyn, Ate Meanne (my sister), Ninang Ifey

Upon sundown, we went back to the cabin, ate dinner, and rested.

In the morning, we rode the floating cottage as the guy with the nail art brought us farther off the shore. We had life vests on so we were able to get into the water and float around the cottage. Being the wimpy hydrophobic that I am, I never strayed too far from the cottage. 

At the floating cottage before being pulled farther off the shore

Into the deep water 

It was fun. Really. I kind of enjoyed being in the water until the waves of the ocean made me really dizzy that I had to get out of the water before I started vomiting. 

We stayed afloat for two hours until it was time for us to go back to the cabin to eat lunch, and pack our stuff because we were only allowed to be there until 12:00 noon. But before that, we walked along the shore and took pictures of ourselves near the gigantic rocks. 

With the large rock

At exactly 12:00, we left the resort. On our way home, we listened to this sappy Maalaala Mo Kaya-like program on the radio telling a story of a girl whose first love ended miserably. This guy on the radio kept repeating, "Hindi pangit ang first love mo. Mali lang." We got home at around 3:00 in the afternoon. 

Inside the car

I had fun at the beach! I got to conquer my fear of water AND somehow, my fear of the sun. I didn't get sunburned or anything, but my feet are two shades darker than they originally were. I loved the experience. I no longer fear the water that much , and I don't hate the beach anymore. I'm even looking forward to more beach trips in the future. Actually, we're brewing another one as we speak. ;)

I hope you, my beloved readers, are having fun this summertime, too. 

Until the next post. :-*

things are difficult

I am too upset right now that I can't even think of a nice way to start this post without being too emotional and straightforward about it. I'm disappointed, frustrated, and depressed--and it's not PMS. I haven't been eating right, and there's always an ocean of tears waiting to be shed any moment given the slightest emotional nudge. And I hate it. I hate how you're affecting me. And I hate how it all made sense to me just last night.

I know I haven't been the nicest person in the world. I unleash hell when I'm mad especially when it's the wrong time of the month to mess with me. But I can assure you that I can fight for you. That I can stand up for what we believe in and whatever that is that we had promised each other in the long span of our relationship. I don't know why, but I think I'll never be enough for you. 

And that sucks.

That sucks for you.

Because I'm not settling for anything less.

when the lights go out

The lights go out.

You neither scream nor cry out loud.

You feel at peace.

As you feel around the darkness.

Listening to footsteps.

To breaths.

You find him.

You hold on tight.

The lights go back.

You look up.

And it kills you.

It's not him. 

Vivere Libero

To live free.

Who doesn't want to?

To live free from all the restrictions. To be able to get a tattoo on your wrist without other people judging you or without other institutions banning your entry because of that simple form of self-expression immortalized on your wrist. To get away from the things that make you unhappy or the things that waste your precious time like sadistic and close-minded professors.To go on a road trip taking nothing but your clothes, your car, and enough gas for your car. To express your love for somebody without fear of being judged by society. To say things out loud without being labelled as blunt, rash, or arrogant. Ah, the things I've always wanted to do, but continue to remain in my reverie as the dreams for tomorrow when I gather up enough courage to live the life I've always wanted. 

But I'm pretty sure that someday, I will. 

Matters of the Heart

The young doctor was disappointed: he had never had the opportunity to study the effects of gold cyanide on a cadaver. Dr. Juvenal Urbino had been surprised that he had not seen him at the Medical School, but he understood in an instant from the young man's easy blush and Andean accent that he was probably a recent arrival to the city. He said: "There is bound to be someone driven mad by love who will give you the chance one of these days." And only after he said it did he realize that among the countless suicides he could remember, this was the first with cyanide that had not been caused by the sufferings of love. Then something changed in the tone of his voice.

"And when you do find one, observe with care," he said to the intern: "they almost always have crystals in their heart."

-An excerpt from Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

It's sad how things don't always stay as they are. How past promises don't always follow through. Or how past vows don't always get remembered. It's sad how love, among all the other transient things in this world, does not become an exception. 

I don't know, but I'm really sad right now. Whether it's just PMS or all the sad news that I received today, I can feel it in my heart that something is wrong. I've been weighing it all now, and I don't like what it all added up to. 

Compromise is really not my thing. 

PGH Walk

On Sundays, I go to PGH to attend sunday mass in the chapel. Sometimes, it can get so lonely since not too many people are around during that time. Well, except for the chapel itself, maybe. But it's different knowing how PGH is like when there are many people around and actually being there when nobody is. I've been going there for three Sundays already (I think), and today, I decided to bring my camera with me, since I'm lagging a million lightyears behind my 'photography'. So here are the two best pictures I got from the place. I hope you like them. :)

 

Why I Hate the Good

I hate good people.

Why? Because I think they're hypocrites. I think they're fake. I think they're doing these things to appear clean, and above everybody else. I hate them.

I believe that nobody is ever 100% good, and there's no use pretending that you are. I hate how other people idolize such beings, or how much these beings rub off their holiness into other people. People are people--not saints. 

So stop acting like every freakin' thing you do is for 'mankind' or whatever. Be real. 

I'd rather be friends with people who are mean, but true, than to be friends with a modern-day Jesus who's only motive is to please people.

Put a sock in it, sister.

Out of Place

I never thought it would happen to me, but yes, awkward as it was, it did.

I was sitting there, alone. They had their own group, they talked of their own experiences, while I painfully sought for any chance of entry into the conversation. It didn't come.

I started it on my own, but it died a natural death.

It was painfully awkward, but thanks for the night.
It was nice meeting you all. :)

Now I know that it's good I'm always friendly toward a 'new' person.

Better late than never

Happy new year! 

As you can see, this is my first blog post for 2012, and it's already halfway through February. As I said in my title up there, better late than never.

Since 2012 started, our clinical duty rotations have also started, and they kept me busy like a madman. Papers here, there, and everywhere, made it really impossible for me to have time to express my thoughts and thingamaniggers here in my blog. It's been a sad, sad life. It's not over yet, though, for we have lots of rotations to conquer, but now is my free week so I'm relatively 'free' (except for that freakin' med paper which I haven't even started yet). Anyhow, school still sucks--and that's a sucky fact. 

What gets me through is the motivation that someday, I'll be able to leave all these behind and lead a better life out there (out there = outside this freakin' continent). I most especially hate it when people ask me why I won't be pursuing medicine. Well, first of all, it's really not for me. Second, I'm tired of studying. Third, my sister has co-nurses in California who all were able to graduate from varying prestigious med schools in the Philippines--and still chose to work as nurses. And fourth, why struggle when I'm bound to leave the country anyway?

As you might have assumed, I'm the Type X employee Douglas McGregor has been raving about. I dislike work. I work only if I'll benefit from it. And I suck at groupworks. To sum it all up, I'm just lazy and selfish. And oh yeah, I'm very, very hateful.

I have this ultra-weird personality that my boyfriend even assumed that I have that freakin' personality disorder that most people chose to make movies about--Borderline Personality Disorder. I laughed at the idea, but after searching the net for the characteristics of a person with BPD, I was like, "OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH.THAT IS FREAKIN' ME." Well, not definitely, but it's likely. I'm not a nice person, so you're just gonna have to Google it on your own. Moving on, yes, I admit, I'm not a nice person. I throw around hate so often, that it's really hard for me to name things or persons that I do not actually 'hate'. I choose my friends (so to all my friends out there, lucky you for you've all been chosen). I judge a lot (specially based on appearances). And yeah, I tend to withdraw. I withdraw when things seem so difficult that I expect things to go well during my absence. I withdraw when I don't want to deal with the world. I withdraw when I'm tired. But hey, who doesn't. Everybody feels that way at some point in his or her life, too, right? I guess I'm just human enough to not care about what others may think and to actually care only for myself. Selfish, I know. But yes, I've been skipping group meetings. I've also been ignoring messages from friends who are highly 'diplomatic'. I've been turning a blind eye to groupworks and such. I just need some rest. It's almost the end of our 'free' week, and I'm still stressed as ever. Forgive me, but on this day, I choose to ignore and withdraw to my personal world. 

Stress, I'll deal with you tomorrow. 

Ignorance commences. Now.