Nov 3, 2012


Approximately three weeks ago,I decided to believe.

People close to me know that I'm not the usual Catholic.I don't, or didn't, go to church every Sunday.I don't know all the words to all the conventional prayers.I don't know when to stand or kneel during a mass.And hell,I can't live through a mass without the trusty overhead projector telling us all what to say.And thus,as I decided to "return" or to put myself in the "holy" circle once again,I sat there,pondering,asking,"Is this really faith?"

As I sat there,in the chapel that my father himself had designed,I watched people.Some came in their "best" attire,especially the old people.Some came in their usual malling attire.Some sat there deep in thought while some used it as an opportunity to catch up on the weekly gossip.Some didn't even seem like they know where they are.The truth is,going to church to hear mass is not as big a deal to others as it is to some.To some,going to church is needed because,well,they simply just have to.Some are simply dragged in by their family.The kids,for example, do they even know what they're there for? I remember getting pissed off last week by a child who kept crying and getting restless all thoughout the mass.Did that child know what he was into?Some,on the other hand, attend mass to search for answers.Some ask for blessings.Some just seek a better life.

I have nothing against these people and their beliefs.It's just that I'm confused as to whether what I am doing is right.Or if that's really how people are intended to worship the big guy upstairs.We go to church,sing "stuctured" hymns and speak "structured" prayers.As I stood/sat there,I didn't feel like it was all genuine.I didn't feel like I was really getting my message to God (and I know that's what prayers are for).But seriously,it wasn't as much as a spiritual experience as I would have wanted.The readings all seemed foreign to me.The teachings,well,not always,but today's were very questionable.I felt alienated then.I really did.And then I questioned myself,"How should I really feel?" "Why do I not feel completely secure?" "Why don't I feel the passion that most people have towards God?" "Why do I feel empty?"

And now,I sit here at home still thinking of these things.How does one have faith,actually?Why do I feel so devoid of these emotions?Why can't I have complete faith?

I really don't understand or "feel" a lot of things.I have so much to go through,perhaps.I need answers.I need to know how it really feels to have faith.What I have now is a seedling that needs nourishment in order to grow.I know I'm getting there.It may be painfully slow,but I know I'll get there.

Approximately three weeks ago,I decided to believe.

Now, I'm back to where I started from.


Anonymous said...

I have so many things I want to say to you but I think these things wouldn't be given justice if I just put it into writing. :)

My philosophy professor asked me in my oral exam how will I explain to a person what St. Anselm's belief is all about if the person I'm talking to is an agnostic/atheist. I was speechless. St. Anselm said, you have to have it first before you can try to understand it. Just like how you can never make a child understand what an apple is if he hasn't seen it. Perhaps, that's what you need. A gleam of hope. A manifestation.

Not sure if it's going to help but I suggest you try reading Tolstoy's Confessions and Shusaku Endo's Silence :) Both are good reads and they talk about faith in a different light. (yes, we talked about faith in our philosophy class :))

Well actually it was Philo of Religion that we took last sem haha it tries to explain faith and religion up to the extent that the human mind can comprehend. It doesn't guarantee though that you'll have faith at the end of it; Philo still works in the realm of the human mind and it merely acts as a bridge towards doing the "big leap". Faith is something that's beyond reason, beyond what we can "fully" comprehend. And once you've taken up the leap, that's where Theology enters.

So I guess, you have to "see" what faith is to be able to understand it and eventually, maybe, decide to put your faith on a Higher Being. And I assure you, faith is more than attending masses, following rituals, giving donations, and reciting meaningless words. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh shoot dami grammatical errors O___O sorry nagmamadali ako kanina.

Joyce said...

Awwww.Thanks, Effie~ Actually I'm slowly getting there now as I speak. I've been through a lot to finally start to believe. Thanks again. >:D< I hope to see you again soon so we can talk about this in person.Heehee.