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Sa Wakas

Sa wakas ay natapos ko na ang aking sinimulan.

Apat na taon na rin ang nakalipas mula nang matanggap ko ang balitang nakapasa ako sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas para sa kursong BS Nursing. Noong una ay halos hindi ako makapaniwala dahil alam ko kung gaano kataas ang quota sa kolehiyong iyon at wala pa man din akong masyadong tiwala sa kakayanan ko. Hindi ko inakalang sa libo-libong naghangad makapasok sa kolehiyong iyon ay isa ako sa 75 na pinalad na makapasok. Siyempre, napakasaya ko noon. Wala akong ideya kung ano ang pinasok ko.

Unang Taon

Sabik na sabik akong pumasok noon. Siyempre, sino ba naman ang hindi? Bagong buhay, bagong simula, 'yan ang nasa isip ko noon. Dahil sa masaklap na karanasan ko noong ikaapat na taon ng hayskul, ninais kong magsimula muli upang patunayan ang sarili ko. Naging maayos naman ang aking unang taon. Nagkaroon ako ng mga bagong kaibigan. Marami akong mga bagong natutunan. At hindi ko inakalang kakayanin ko palang mag-top sa isang major math exam. Noong hayskul kasi, isa lamang ako sa mga pangkaraniwang mag-aaral pagdating sa sipnayan o matematika. Dito ko rin nakamit ang kauna-unahan kong uno. Sa matuwid, oo, masipag pa ako noon. Sana, ipinagpatuloy ko ito.

Ikalawang Taon

Masaya pa rin naman ako lalo na't umabot ako sa pangalawang taon. Pero habang nagtagal ay nakaharap ko na ang tunay na hamon na dala ng bagong buhay na pinasok ko. Ang hirap pala ng kursong ito. Akala ko dati, madali lang ito. Akala ko lang. Dito kami nagsimulangm mag-duty sa iba't ibang lugar mapa-ospital o mapa-komunidad. Dito ko unang naranasang tumawag sa nanay ko para umiyak. Dito rin niya ako inalok kung gusto ko bang lumipat na ng paaralan. Dahil na rin sa panghihinayang, hindi ako pumayag. Buti na lang.

O bakit ba ako pinahihirapan ng husto? 

Ang dami-daming kumokontra sa bawat kilos ko.

Ikatlong Taon

Lalong humirap ang buhay. Ngunit sabi nga nila, "When the going gets tough, the tough gets going." Marami-rami na rin ang nawala sa aming grupo. Yung iba, umalis, yung iba, naalis. Pero ganun talaga. Hindi rin nawala sa sarili ko ang takot na baka ako na ang susunod na maalis.Walang kasing hirap ang taon na ito. Walang tulog, walang kain, hindi na bago sa akin ito noon. Nakakapanibago. Nakakapagod. May ilang beses na nawalan na rin ako ng pag-asa, pero hindi ako sumuko. Iniisip ko na lang na konti na lang, at aabot din ako sa...

Ikaapat na Taon

Kung inakala kong walang kasing hirap ang ikatlong taon, nagkamali rin ako. Ang ikaapat na taon ay naging isang malaking pagsubok para sa akin. Dito ko naranasang mawalan na talaga ng pag-asa. Naranasan kong umiyak at matakot para sa hinaharap. Ngunit ang mahalaga, dito rin ako natutong magdasal. Ika nga ni Ken, salamat sa mga guro ko at tinuruan nila akong magdasal. Totoo, natuto akong maniwala muli dahil sa mga nangyari sa akin. Hindi lamang utak ang napagod sa akin ngunit pati na rin ang aking katawan at ang aking puso at kinailangan ko ng ipaubaya sa Kanya ang aking sarili. Naging napakahirap ng taon na ito. Minsan nga, kung tatanungin ako kung kailan ako magtatapos ay hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko dahil na rin sa hindi kasiguraduhan kung ako nga ay magtatapos sa taon na ito. Sa tuwing iisipin ko ang hinaharap ay tila may sumasakit sa aking dibdib. Hindi ito tumor o sakit sa puso. Ito ay dahil sa kaba at takot para sa mga pwede pang mangyari. Mahirap, ngunit ito na siguro ang  pinakamahalagang taon sa apat na taon ko sa kolehiyo. Dito ako lubos na nagbago. Kung ano ang mga pagbabagong ito, sa akin na lamang iyon. Ang masasabi ko lamang ay nagbago ako patungo sa mabuti at ako ay lubos na nagpapasalamat sa mga karanasan na naghubog sa akin kung sino man ako ngayon. 

Ngayon, nandito ako, at masasabi ko na ang mga salitang, "Sa wakas." Nalagpasan ko na ang apat na taong inakala ko ay panghabangbuhay na. Napakatagal ng pakiramdam noon ngunit ngayon kung babalikan ay parang ang bilis lang. Naaalala ko pa ang unang araw ko sa Maynila. Ngayon ay nandito ako, nakapagtapos na, at naghahanda na lamang para sa darating na board exam. 

Napakarami kong pagsisisi noon ngunit ang lahat ng iyon ay nawala. Kahit ilang beses kong sinabing hindi ako nararapat sa kulay na ito. Kahit ilang beses kong ninais maging dilaw. Ngayon ay alam na alam ko na kung saan talaga ako nararapat. Maraming salamat, UP. Binuo, hinubog, at pinagbuti mo ang aking pagkatao. Laking pasasalamat ko na sa ilang milyong beses na ninais ko nang sumuko ay hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa at mas lalo kong hinigpitan ang aking kapit. 

Sa wakas ay kaya ko nang bumangon sa umaga.

Napakasarap sa pakiramdam na malaman na nalagpasan ko ang lahat ng iyon. Sa totoo lamang ay parang nananaginip pa rin ako ngayon. Ngunit hindi nagtatapos doon. Ang mga pinagdaanan ko ay hindi pa ang tunay na mundong dapat kong harapin. Sinanay pa lamang ako ng UP. Ngayon ay dapat ko nang harapin ang mga panibagong hamon sa akin ng mundo, ng tunay na mundo. Patuloy pa rin ang pagdating ng mga hamon, at patuloy pa rin ang paghubog sa aking sarili. Hindi pa ako lubos na magaling. Sa totoo nga, hindi ko nakikita ang sarili ko bilang isang magaling na mag-aaral. Pero hindi 'yan mahalaga, dahil hindi naman nagtatapos ang paglinang sa sarili sa pagtatapos sa kolehiyo. Sa bawat araw ay susubukan ko pang lalong pagbutihin ang aking sarili. Isa akong produkto ng UP at alam ko ang aking tungkulin bilang isang Iskolar ng Bayan. Maraming salamat muli, UP. Hinding hindi magbabago ang aking damdamin. 

On Taylor Swift's Long Live

I'm a sucker for songs, but I'm a bigger sucker for good lyrics.

It was through a teeny-bopper magazine that I got to know this song. I have Taylor's discography saved in my laptop and in both of my phones, and I'm guilty of not paying much attention to this song before I read this article in the magazine which identifies this song as a feel-good one. And did I mention that I'm a sucker for feel-good songs as well?

Moving on, I listened to it and paid more attention to the lyrics (as I always do). True enough, it made me feel good. Note: the melody is nice as well except for it being too low for Taylor's vocal range. Well anyway, I listened to it over and over again, but it wasn't until tonight (in the middle of cramming my papers) did I relate to it. 

The song is generally nice. The lyrics, well, they're quite nice as well though, at first, I thought it literally referred to being kings and queens of a kingdom. But through further research, I learned that it refers to being prom king and queen. 

The lyrics are as follows:

I said remember this moment, in the back of my mind
The time we stood with our shaking hands
The crowds in the stands went wild
We were the Kings and the Queens
And they read off our names
The night you danced like you knew our lives
Would never be the same
You held your head like a hero
On a history book page
It was the end of a decade
But the start of an age

For me, this moment would have to be the beginning of my relationship with my current boyfriend. It was, indeed, life-changing. Though we didn't have crowds going wild for us, it felt like that. I felt like a queen, and I still do. And yes, it was the start of an age. 

Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered

And yes, through all the years we've been together, we've crashed through figurative walls. We made it past other's expectations of us. We made it through various obstacles. We kept it together. 

I said remember this feeling
I passed the pictures around
Of all the years that we stood there
On the side-lines wishing for right now
We are the Kings and the Queens
You traded your baseball cap for a crown
When they gave us our trophies
And we held them up for our townAnd the cynics were outraged
Screaming "this is absurd"
Cause for a moment a band of thieves
In ripped up jeans got to rule the world

There have been cynics, of course. I admit, we were an unlikely pairing at that time. But, yeah, who knew. We ruled each other's worlds no matter how simply plain and boring we were. We were not the hottest people around, but we still ruled. 

Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid
Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming long live that look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered

Simply put, I'm having the time of my life with him through the good and the bad. And, as I've mentioned before, we've lasted longer than most couples my age. People did not really expect us to last long, but we did. We made things possible together. 

Hold on to spinning around
Confetti falls to the ground
May these memories break our fall

Memories are love's best preservatives, according to a magazine I read. We've had numerous problems before, but we made it through not just because we still love each other. Looking back at all the things that we've been through together helps make our love worth saving. 

Will you take a moment, promise me this
That you'll stand by me forever
But if God forbid fate should step in
And force us into a goodbye
If you have children some day
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine

Again, there is this possibility that we may not end up together someday. But if it ever happens, I'll regret nothing. Being with him has been one of the best parts of my life so far, and I'm really glad it all happened. It may not last forever (but I hope it does), but I'd still be glad it happened. I sure hope that he'd feel the same way too. And my only wish is for him to remember how much we shined--together. 

I am fighting hard for the things I want most

Because it's always darkest before the dawn. So near, yet so far. 

Credits to my beautiful friend, Denise Lopez, for showing and eventually uploading a copy of this for all of us to see. :)

"There's only you," she said.

“No, Peter, don’t leave yet.” Claire mumbled as she held Peter’s hand in the dark, under the sheets.

“I have to,” Peter mumbled back, “…we need the money.”

“I don’t.” Claire said as she drew closer to Peter, hugging him by the waist. “There’s only you.” Claire whispered to Peter’s ear.

Peter smiled, “There you go again, making it ever so hard for me to leave.”

“Well, does it work?” Claire asked, tightening her hold on Peter’s waist.

“No,” Peter answered back, “but you sure do make it easier for me to return. Until tonight, sweetheart” He stood up, got dressed, and headed to the door without a word, turning the lights off again as he went.

Upon hearing the sound of Peter’s car leaving the garage, Claire felt for her phone in the dark.

She’s got Ethan on speed dial.

I missed this

I read my niece's blog posts and they somehow inspired me to write again. It's been a long while, and I've actually been thinking of creating a new blog because, well, I just love new beginnings. And I'm just kidding.

I love the thought of starting over and not having people say "That's not you" or whatever. I just want to start anew because I just want to and I really feel that I'm no longer the same person who posted 80% of the posts found in this blog. People change. Feelings change. The price of gasoline changes. A chameleon's color changes. When you pay in excess, you get your change.

Moving on, I just told myself to "Hold yo (almost non-existent) tits" because in a few weeks or months time *crosses fingers* a new chapter in my life will really be commencing. I'm as excited as a pre-term baby, actually. I can't wait for that new chapter. I guess THEN will be the best time to create a new blog. So for now, stick around, this blog ain't going anywhere (Gosh, I sound so black!). I've been itching to type away my thoughts and feelings but I've been too busy. I still AM busy. Don't get me wrong. But now I guess I'm a bigger procrastinator than yesterday and I'm actually making time for this sort of things. Well, I'm only going to live once, right? Thus, I shall blog about it so that my future grandkids will be able to read my blog and know how awesomely sarcastic and conceited their grandmother is.

And yeah, I guess I actually missed this. 

77th

Flowers, a card, and a whole lot of food.

It was perfect. 

Thank you.