Sundays

Approximately three weeks ago,I decided to believe.

People close to me know that I'm not the usual Catholic.I don't, or didn't, go to church every Sunday.I don't know all the words to all the conventional prayers.I don't know when to stand or kneel during a mass.And hell,I can't live through a mass without the trusty overhead projector telling us all what to say.And thus,as I decided to "return" or to put myself in the "holy" circle once again,I sat there,pondering,asking,"Is this really faith?"

As I sat there,in the chapel that my father himself had designed,I watched people.Some came in their "best" attire,especially the old people.Some came in their usual malling attire.Some sat there deep in thought while some used it as an opportunity to catch up on the weekly gossip.Some didn't even seem like they know where they are.The truth is,going to church to hear mass is not as big a deal to others as it is to some.To some,going to church is needed because,well,they simply just have to.Some are simply dragged in by their family.The kids,for example, do they even know what they're there for? I remember getting pissed off last week by a child who kept crying and getting restless all thoughout the mass.Did that child know what he was into?Some,on the other hand, attend mass to search for answers.Some ask for blessings.Some just seek a better life.

I have nothing against these people and their beliefs.It's just that I'm confused as to whether what I am doing is right.Or if that's really how people are intended to worship the big guy upstairs.We go to church,sing "stuctured" hymns and speak "structured" prayers.As I stood/sat there,I didn't feel like it was all genuine.I didn't feel like I was really getting my message to God (and I know that's what prayers are for).But seriously,it wasn't as much as a spiritual experience as I would have wanted.The readings all seemed foreign to me.The teachings,well,not always,but today's were very questionable.I felt alienated then.I really did.And then I questioned myself,"How should I really feel?" "Why do I not feel completely secure?" "Why don't I feel the passion that most people have towards God?" "Why do I feel empty?"

And now,I sit here at home still thinking of these things.How does one have faith,actually?Why do I feel so devoid of these emotions?Why can't I have complete faith?

I really don't understand or "feel" a lot of things.I have so much to go through,perhaps.I need answers.I need to know how it really feels to have faith.What I have now is a seedling that needs nourishment in order to grow.I know I'm getting there.It may be painfully slow,but I know I'll get there.

Approximately three weeks ago,I decided to believe.


Now, I'm back to where I started from.

the semester that was

I haven't posted anything in a long, long while because, well...there was just too much to blog about that I just decided to not post anything at all to be fair. Now that the semester has ended (OH PLEASE,OH PLEASE) I think it's just right that I blog about it as a whole.

To sum it all up, the previous semester was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. A cliche, I know, but I can't think of a better way to describe it. To be more detailed, it was a rollercoaster ride where my safety belt was malfunctioning and, somehow, somebody's vomit landed on me. Delicious. Not to mention that it was a 4-month long ride and it was freakin' graded.

It was difficult, to say the least, but it was definitely fulfilling. I don't want to rant about it now that it has ended. Instead, I just want to close it and prepare myself for what's in store. I want to thank the people who helped me get through it and to those who made it one hell of a ride.And, of course, I want to thank the semester that was.

Because of it, I now clearly know exactly where I want to be after I graduate.

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